Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
I would just like to thank everyone who put as much thought into their suggestions as I did into this heartfelt poem inspired by this holiday season and screaming kids and NOT condoms.
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
SAD Greetings...the perfect way to say "I care...or whatever."
btw, happy birthday Uncle Ray-
SAD Greetings...a service for duesche-bags where the only sad thing is how little you care.
But seriously, Uncle Ray, happy birthday.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Greatest art festival ever! I think the poster says it all...a picture is worth a thousand words, but each bear in a picture is worth 10,000 words so...you do the math...this is practically a novel. Which reminds me, I want to eat Harry Potter.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
...not so good: she starts looking at her phone...
GOOD: She just posted on facebook,“This is SOOOOO amazing!!!”
Friday, June 17, 2011
PARALLAX’S MOTHER: Okay dear, but don’t go anywhere else and don’t go too close to the sun. I know you think it’s a great time and all, but an all powerful, fear consuming entity of your um,...well...you know what the doctor said about your...size.
PARALLAX: Ahhh, Mom. Stop worrying all the time. I’m almost 250 million years old. I can take care of myself.
PARALLAX’S MOTHER: I only worry because I love you, Parallax. You know, it’s all fun and games until someone gets burned... and reduced to atomic particles by a nuclear furnace of planet sustaining energy. How much fun would you be having then, when you’re nothing more than the energy powering some hippy’s solar powered NPR radio he got when he donated $250 during last springs pledge drive? Is that what you want?
PARALLAX: No, Mother.
PARALLAX'S MOTHER: Good. Now go and play and don’t be late for lunch. I’m making your favorite, Fear Energy Soup with those goldfish crackers.
PARALLAX: Ok. Thanks mom. See ya!
Monday, May 2, 2011
Some bad decisions come back to bite you in the ass, while others come back to cause burning itching sores on your genitals...then there are those bad decisions that come back in the form of two military helicopters full of super soldiers and a document signed by Pres. Obama...
Ideally, it is best to stay in the bitten-ass category.
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
If you don't want to see the written word "f@#king", don't worry, it's not in there. "fucking" is though, so if you want to avoid that one as well, check this sweet action out:
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Friday, March 11, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Giving in...to Win: How Giving in to the Dark Side of the Force Helped Me get My Confidence Back and Build a Battle Station Capable of Destroying a Planet and Ruling the Galaxy
Friday, February 4, 2011
Apparently, like porn, If Bears Could Type, is the internet website you secretly love, but publicly deny having ever seen... ever & later lament with your friends the plight of those who keep coming back to it day after day.
"Well, she started going to that website blog, the one with the bear, and well, you know how that story goes. It's so sad..."
Has your aversion to public shame kept you from clicking "follow"? Well, now you can follow it without having your name and picture posted all over creation. That's right, no one has to know about your character destroying habit of viewing whatever content has been posted on ye ol' typing bear blog while you still receive all the fantastic benefits of being a not-proud-in-any-way follower of it.
Your welcome, junkies.
RIP 'Your Followers' widget.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
The groundhog hesitated just for a moment, as if there were something important he were forgetting. He quickly glanced around his burrow hole, looking for any visual cue that might trigger his memory, reminding him of any pertinent detail he may have overlooked, then shook his head in disgust.
"Come on, man. You're a groundhog. It's groundhogs day. Get out there and look for your shadow," he said to himself as he straightened his fur one final time before marching up to the burrow entryway and defiantly sticking his head up into the daylight.
The groundhog's eyes were still adjusting to the light when he suddenly remembered he had forgotten something. It actually wasn't the squinting as much as it was the teeth in the wolf's mouth now clamped on his head that served as the actual reminder.
"Wolf shirt Wednes..." he began to cry out, but was cut off by the other wolves that had now also latched onto him.
Had it been any other day of the week, the day's events would have played out quite differently for the groundhog, but this wasn't any other day. This was Wolf shirt Wednesday so, lesson learned...forever.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
yes there is a reason I've been crying in the shower for the last 3 hours...
It all started innocently enough, two young people, married, happy, in love, and showering together. Yes, things were getting steamy. A broken bathroom fan had something to do with it, but also a very, very hot water heater. One might say “conditions were perfect.”
That is when it happened...and by “it” I mean someone who was washing her hair had her eyes closed when she blindly reached out and grabbed my butt. Good thing, right? except
it was immediately followed by a disgusted “What is that?” She opened her eyes, saw the object in question, then started laughing hysterically. It wasn’t just any old hysterical laughter either. It was the kind of laughter you expect to hear after watching something like...oh...I don’t know...this:
So yes, I’m a broken, revolting, jiggly man apparently. I don’t get it though. I went back and reviewed my Facebook posts and Tweets and this never should have happened because I AM SO HARDCORE.
10/2/2010 Back from the gym. I worked out so hard today. Man I sure am glad I worked out as hard as I did. Boy do I feel a lot better then you probably do.
10/16/2010 Ran 14 miles today. NBD. People are like, “Wow, I can’t believe you run that far.” Really? I can’t believe you don’t. I am in such good shape.
10/31/2010 Watched some people eating food that probably had fat in it. I feel so bad for them because they’ll never feel as good as me. Delicious rice cakes, thank you. Can’t get enough. Eating healthy is like getting sex in my mouth 3-5 times a day. You should put down those french fries and try it.
11/6/2010 Rode my bike 200 miles. I feel so good. I’m thinking about doing it again tomorrow. Who wants to come? It’ll be fun unless you are too tired because you don’t workout nearly as much as I do, which is 7-10 times per week.
...and the list goes on and on...
12/23/2010 My 5 a.m. swim session was epic. Only swam 3 miles today. Oh well. I was swimming so fast some other people who were at the pool said my nickname should be motorboat. Let’s make it Sex Shark Motorboat and you guys have got yourself a deal. Maybe if they were better swimmers then they would be better nickname givers... It is so great being such a good swimmer and being able to think up such awesome nicknames for myself.
Despite all those and many, many more posts on how healthy and great I am, I get laughed at in the shower as if those posts actually in no way reflect what physical condition I’m in...
So I will keep sobbing and eating here in the shower til I can muster up the desire to go post about how great the 4 hours in the gym are going to be and that anyone who wants to should come but be prepared to go hard, because when it comes to posting about my workouts on facebook and twitter, you can count on two things: I won’t even so much as stand up quick out of a chair without posting it on the web and when that happens, yes, I expect you to be impressed with the endless amount of workout activity I am engaged in...
Friday, January 28, 2011
First, a disclaimer: Anything any woman's husband has told her about how hot and beautiful she is while pregnant is absolutely true and should never be questioned nor his sincerity doubted. He is being 100% sincere. He sincerely wants you to believe that he meant it.
Everyone talks about how beautiful/sexy/hot women are when they are pregnant? Why are we doing that? We've seen women not pregnant and, um, yeah- No contest. Despite that fact, after becoming pregnant, many women who would never even consider wearing shorts or a dress that didn't extend past the knee now feel the need to be photographed pregnant and naked because "they just feel so beautiful." She has become a hot pregnant lady and apparently it is ok for hot pregnant ladies to post naked pictures of themselves online even though they have never posted hot not-naked pictures of themselves online in order for us to be able to compare.
What can we all take away from this? Everything is hot when you're horny- especially naked pregnant women
and pillows (just sexy pillows though).