Tuesday, December 20, 2011

WE knew...

-- Photos shared with Fish Bowl Photo Gallery. http://www.pixiereef.com

Coming This Christmas...

This Christmas the incredible typing bear is excited to bring to you one of the greatest stories of our time, the first of The Fun Cute Kids series:

 The Fu-cute Kids 
Take on The Child Beauty Pageant Terrorist Robot


Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Facebook Poetry Inspired by Loving Facebook Friends and Facebook Family

(yes, I did "like" my own post.  It was REALLY good. What's your point?)

I would just like to thank everyone who put as much thought into their suggestions as I did into this heartfelt poem inspired by this holiday season and screaming kids and NOT condoms.



I’ve got a pen and a shovel
and I’m a digging A HOLE
In my backyard.

I teach my kids angles
both acute and OBTUSE.
and When they get it right
I give them some JUICE.

If their shoes are untied I say
“Hey kids, YOU’RE LOOSE.
Tie those up tight,
or I’ll kick your CABOOSE.”

My kids should be thankful
That they have a hot mom...
I hope they never get caught
searching RYHMEZONE.COM.

A blue person in college
Is called a SMURF ENROLL.
They turned blue from a pill

If you ask for a color
and someone tells you “CHARTREUSE”
It’s safe to say
that person’s a DOUCHE.

You won’t have any kids
If you’re a RECLUSE,
though the Guy on a buffalo
Might drop off a PAPOOSE.

for “deffinately”
there is no EXCUSE.
As a child, your parents
should have used more abuse.
I suggest this Christmas
A toy that should get some use
would be one made from ropes.
I’d call it “the NOOSE.”

Monday, December 12, 2011

The Following Conversation is NOT Real

This is a conversation via text that did not happen.  It is completely fictional, created for your enjoyment, and did not actually happen on Saturday, December 10 between 2:14 and 2:20 pm with an actual person I have a real relationship with. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

PSA: Friendly Reminder

Just a friendly reminder from a bear named Growly.

There's a story here, but I don't remember what it is.  It is REALLY REALLY funny though...so I'm told.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Windows Live Writer testicle

Can you see computer balls right now? How about write now?  See what I did there?  I dare you to tell me your mind wasn’t blown.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

SAD Greetings...For when you really care...kind of

Never worry about missing the chance to tell someone happy birthday with Sincere Automated Dispatch Greetings.  SAD Greetings are the perfect way to let someone know that you care enough that at some point in time you entered their name, phone number, address, date of birth, and SSN in our public database and then gave us access to your Facebook, Twitter, or whatever crap social media account you are using and then never had to worry about it again because SAD Greetings has got your back so you can get back to doing things that you care about...

SAD Greetings...the perfect way to say "I care...or whatever."

btw, happy birthday Uncle Ray-

SAD Greetings...a service for duesche-bags where the only sad thing is how little you care.

But seriously, Uncle Ray, happy birthday.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

JACKSON HOLE...a town that loves bears...a lot.

Greatest art festival ever! I think the poster says it all...a picture is worth a thousand words, but each bear in a picture is worth 10,000 words so...you do the math...this is practically a novel. Which reminds me, I want to eat Harry Potter.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Look, bra. No Hands: New Skills for the Ol' Resume.

Preface Note: Seeming as how the incredible typing bear is a bear, it shouldn't come as a huge surprise to discover he may also dabble in the outdoor industry as a clothing buyer. Bears live outdoors almost exclusively and with that kind of daily exposure to the elements one becomes familiar with the necessary apparel required to make roughing it a little less hairy. Like I just said, a bear in the outdoor clothing industry shouldn't really come as much of surprise. This is just a little preface to bear in mind as you review this update in his resumé skills.

When it comes to bras, I've always considered myself pretty handy...

On every job application I have ever filled out, whenever I would reach the section where it asks, "What are your skills with bras? Check all boxes that apply," I have always only checked two boxes:  the "Undoing bra with one hand while making out" box

and the "looking at bras online...it's for my wife, I swear" box. http://www.victoriassecret.com/bras
Special padding lifts up and out, instantly adding up to 2 full cup sizes for maximum cleavage and fullness?
Bravo, Victoria's Secret. Bravo. That truly is... Miraculous®
...don't you think, Honey?

With the experience I have gained in my current line of work, it dawned on me today as I was hanging and sorting hundreds of bras that from here on out I can also now check the "Merchandising bras in a retail setting" box.
You see this? Not on my watch you don't!
Not on my watch...
Mannequin boobs get the coverage and support they deserve when I'm on the clock.

So take note, potential employers. There is an untapped bra experience gold mine out there, and you are reading his blog RIGHT NOW; also sometimes he eats campers.

...but sometimes he doesn't...


Thursday, June 30, 2011

and now, ladies and gentleman, the Incredible Typing Bear brings you...

GOOD!/...not so good

GOOD: You're having sex!

...not so good: she starts looking at her phone...

GOOD: She just posted on facebook,“This is SOOOOO amazing!!!”

...not so good: and attached a link to a scrap-booking coupon website.

(don't really go here, especially if your having sex right now...not so good; remember?)

GOOD: Updates facebook status again to say "Gotta go so I can play with my furry best friend!!!"

(Hey! I'm furry. This IS good!)

...not so good: posts the following photo captioned "My furry best friend":

GOOD: double entendre window left WIDE open!

...not so good: she is also currently reading this:

(Honey, could you close that double entendre window please. It's getting horny in here.)

"Daddy, why is that ballon in the middle popped?"
"It's a phallic metaphor, son. How many times do I have to explain this to you?"

Friday, June 17, 2011

When They Were Children: Evil Super Villans (from the Green Lantern)

PARALLAX: Mom, me and Sinestro are going to go play down at the forbidden core, Okay?

PARALLAX’S MOTHER: Okay dear, but don’t go anywhere else and don’t go too close to the sun. I know you think it’s a great time and all, but an all powerful, fear consuming entity of your um,...well...you know what the doctor said about your...size.

PARALLAX: Ahhh, Mom. Stop worrying all the time. I’m almost 250 million years old. I can take care of myself.

PARALLAX’S MOTHER: I only worry because I love you, Parallax. You know, it’s all fun and games until someone gets burned... and reduced to atomic particles by a nuclear furnace of planet sustaining energy. How much fun would you be having then, when you’re nothing more than the energy powering some hippy’s solar powered NPR radio he got when he donated $250 during last springs pledge drive? Is that what you want?

PARALLAX: No, Mother.

PARALLAX'S MOTHER: Good. Now go and play and don’t be late for lunch. I’m making your favorite, Fear Energy Soup with those goldfish crackers.

PARALLAX: Ok. Thanks mom. See ya!

Monday, May 2, 2011

Bad decisions...Bin Laden life lessons

Some bad decisions come back to bite you in the ass, while others come back to cause burning itching sores on your genitals...then there are those bad decisions that come back in the form of two military helicopters full of super soldiers and a document signed by Pres. Obama...
Ideally, it is best to stay in the bitten-ass category.

Obama's Wallet

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

A picture is worth a thousand words, so we're looking at +/- 15,000 here

If you don't want to see the written word "f@#king", don't worry, it's not in there. "fucking" is though, so if you want to avoid that one as well, check this sweet action out:

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Most Important Thing You Will See on this Website Involving Bear Photos

This is only the beginning. Follow the link below in order to...well...you will be filled with a life of regret if you DON'T follow the link below.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Jokes from the dinner table...of an evil Dictator

So an ungrateful peasant, my top ranking general, & a horse walk into a bar. The bartender looks up & says "those soldiers behind you just chained the doors shut & are setting the building on fire!"

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Friday, March 11, 2011

Manhood bridge: CROSSED

just like the day you finally cut off your hand and replaced it with a chainsaw, I have completed a major life milestone today...using my air compressor.

The titles of immature, helpless, sad, needy, lonely, pathetic, lopsided, duesche bag, delusional, and not very hairy no longer apply to me after this morning being as I used my very own personal air compressor for the first time ever. The only truly fitting title now is MAN.

The flat tires of the bike I needed to ride on account of my parents needing their car they had loaned me didn't really stand a chance against my air compressor. It looked those deflated tires in the valve stem and said, "Tires, you think you're cool, being all flat and useless like a hipster? Not any more, you don't. They'll be calling you Barbie once I'm done with you." ...a minor struggle, some wiggling and hissing, and 3 minutes later... you guessed it- I had become a man.

Some people still pump up tires with hand pumps. HAND PUMPS! I'm not one to judge, but hand pumping sounds a whole lot like some disgusting self-gratification maneuver and does not IN ANY WAY sound like...a man...making a machine pump up his bike tires.
Feels good to be a man now...and to know a REAL man doesn't do work. He buys machines that do his work for him; like air compressors...and smartphones. Do you think I dial phone numbers or write text messages? No. No real man does. I look my phone in it's 4.3" HD screen and I command it to text my wife and tell her I won't be home for dinner. I will be out with my man friends...probably man hugging...because I'm a man and that's what we do...hug and use air compressors while voice texting.

For those who can't read but like pictures with lots of words on them, here is the photo blog illustrating metaphorically how it all went down:

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Doctors...they save lives!

Doctors do so much. If anyone doesn't appreciate all they do for us, please take a moment and remind yourself...

Monday, February 7, 2011

6,519,702nd. Stop Judging ME, Hipster!

Somehow 6,519,701 people saw this before I did and not one of them thought to pass it along to me...I guess they thought I was happy enough already, but now, knowing that this has been out there and I wasn't enjoying it, thinking about all that time I wasn't able to think about it and giggle and be happy...Now I am sad (crocodile tear). This youtube video should cheer me up, even if I am the six million five hundred and nineteen seven hundred and second person to watch it (most hipsters won't even think about looking at an online video if it has been viewed more than 100 times- so I am getting hipster judged right this second). Getting hipster judged is the worst. It's like getting homeless alcoholic judged, but way more annoying.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Learn to Harness the Power of the Dark Side FROM HOME!

Constantly looking for ways to improve myself and gain the ability to electrocute my enemies with lightning bolts shot from my fingers, I have been listening to the self help audio series:

Giving in...to Win: How Giving in to the Dark Side of the Force Helped Me get My Confidence Back and Build a Battle Station Capable of Destroying a Planet and Ruling the Galaxy

Looks like it's working I would say.

Get your copy today! Remember, each day you put it off is another day you are unable to punish those who oppose you with the power of the dark side.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Great news for porn analogy addicts!

Don't fight it. Hide it!

Apparently, like porn, If Bears Could Type, is the internet website you secretly love, but publicly deny having ever seen... ever & later lament with your friends the plight of those who keep coming back to it day after day.

"Well, she started going to that website blog, the one with the bear, and well, you know how that story goes. It's so sad..."

Has your aversion to public shame kept you from clicking "follow"? Well, now you can follow it without having your name and picture posted all over creation. That's right, no one has to know about your character destroying habit of viewing whatever content has been posted on ye ol' typing bear blog while you still receive all the fantastic benefits of being a not-proud-in-any-way follower of it.

Your welcome, junkies.

RIP 'Your Followers' widget.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I heart pandering

Dear Marketers,
Please pander to me.
P.S. have kids, love Star Wars (original 3 only)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Things to remember on Wednesday...Especially if You're a Groundhog and It's Groundhog's Day

The groundhog hesitated just for a moment, as if there were something important he were forgetting. He quickly glanced around his burrow hole, looking for any visual cue that might trigger his memory, reminding him of any pertinent detail he may have overlooked, then shook his head in disgust.
"Come on, man. You're a groundhog. It's groundhogs day. Get out there and look for your shadow," he said to himself as he straightened his fur one final time before marching up to the burrow entryway and defiantly sticking his head up into the daylight.

The groundhog's eyes were still adjusting to the light when he suddenly remembered he had forgotten something. It actually wasn't the squinting as much as it was the teeth in the wolf's mouth now clamped on his head that served as the actual reminder.
"Wolf shirt Wednes..." he began to cry out, but was cut off by the other wolves that had now also latched onto him.

Had it been any other day of the week, the day's events would have played out quite differently for the groundhog, but this wasn't any other day. This was Wolf shirt Wednesday so, lesson learned...forever.
The End.

It's Groundhog Day!

"Why would anyone steal a groundhog?"
"I can think of a couple reasons...pervert."
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Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's My Body and I'll Cry if I Want to...

Sometimes being super strong on the outside isn't enough- and I am really, really strong. I did 30 reps of 15 at 85% and watched myself grunt in the mirror 6 different times...but sometimes even that really hard workout that you have probably never even thought about doing just isn't enough...I will post the exact workout on Facebook later so you can see how truly amazing it was even though for me it was no big deal, but right now I have some sobbing to do.
yes there is a reason I've been crying in the shower for the last 3 hours...
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It all started innocently enough, two young people, married, happy, in love, and showering together. Yes, things were getting steamy. A broken bathroom fan had something to do with it, but also a very, very hot water heater. One might say “conditions were perfect.”

That is when it happened...and by “it” I mean someone who was washing her hair had her eyes closed when she blindly reached out and grabbed my butt. Good thing, right? except
it was immediately followed by a disgusted “What is that?” She opened her eyes, saw the object in question, then started laughing hysterically. It wasn’t just any old hysterical laughter either. It was the kind of laughter you expect to hear after watching something like...oh...I don’t know...this:

So yes, I’m a broken, revolting, jiggly man apparently. I don’t get it though. I went back and reviewed my Facebook posts and Tweets and this never should have happened because I AM SO HARDCORE.

10/2/2010 Back from the gym. I worked out so hard today. Man I sure am glad I worked out as hard as I did. Boy do I feel a lot better then you probably do.

10/16/2010 Ran 14 miles today. NBD. People are like, “Wow, I can’t believe you run that far.” Really? I can’t believe you don’t. I am in such good shape.

10/31/2010 Watched some people eating food that probably had fat in it. I feel so bad for them because they’ll never feel as good as me. Delicious rice cakes, thank you. Can’t get enough. Eating healthy is like getting sex in my mouth 3-5 times a day. You should put down those french fries and try it.

11/6/2010 Rode my bike 200 miles. I feel so good. I’m thinking about doing it again tomorrow. Who wants to come? It’ll be fun unless you are too tired because you don’t workout nearly as much as I do, which is 7-10 times per week.

...and the list goes on and on...

12/23/2010 My 5 a.m. swim session was epic. Only swam 3 miles today. Oh well. I was swimming so fast some other people who were at the pool said my nickname should be motorboat. Let’s make it Sex Shark Motorboat and you guys have got yourself a deal. Maybe if they were better swimmers then they would be better nickname givers... It is so great being such a good swimmer and being able to think up such awesome nicknames for myself.

Despite all those and many, many more posts on how healthy and great I am, I get laughed at in the shower as if those posts actually in no way reflect what physical condition I’m in...

So I will keep sobbing and eating here in the shower til I can muster up the desire to go post about how great the 4 hours in the gym are going to be and that anyone who wants to should come but be prepared to go hard, because when it comes to posting about my workouts on facebook and twitter, you can count on two things: I won’t even so much as stand up quick out of a chair without posting it on the web and when that happens, yes, I expect you to be impressed with the endless amount of workout activity I am engaged in...

Friday, January 28, 2011

"Hot Pregnant Lady"

In one of these pictures Britney is hot, in the other she is pregnant. In the spirit of fairness and objectivity I have not disclosed which is which.

First, a disclaimer:  Anything any woman's husband has told her about how hot and beautiful she is while pregnant is absolutely true and should never be questioned nor his sincerity doubted. He is being 100% sincere. He sincerely wants you to believe that he meant it.

Everyone talks about how beautiful/sexy/hot women are when they are pregnant?  Why are we doing that?  We've seen women not pregnant and, um, yeah-  No contest.  Despite that fact, after becoming pregnant, many women who would  never even consider wearing shorts or a dress that didn't extend past the knee now feel the need to be photographed pregnant and naked because "they just feel so beautiful."    She has become a hot pregnant lady and apparently it is ok for hot pregnant ladies to post naked pictures of themselves online even though they have never posted hot not-naked pictures of themselves online in order for us to be able to compare.
Here is the thing, hot pregnant lady doesn't exist unless we are talking about a pregnant lady who happens to be out in the middle of Death Valley at noon in the middle of summer with no water.  

People argue "Guys have sex with women they think are hot and guys are having sex with pregnant women all the time so I guess your theory is wrong, Typing Bear, or whatever stupid name it is that you call yourself."

It's true.  Guys do have sex with pregnant women.
This is getting contentious so let's change the subject.

Have a look at this little picture here. It's hot, right?

Now close your eyes and think about the picture. Can you see it? Still hot.

What does that have to do with anything?
Nothing. I like that picture.

I, of course, do have a very hot wife, even while pregnant. She is so smoking hot when she is carrying my babies around in that big ol' never, ever unattractive baby-filled belly that I can't keep my hands off her (and not because pregnancy sized women are hard to avoid bumping into with your hands because of their size, this is totally sex related).  I never ever think she is not hot while pregnant because she makes pregnancy hot. I have never at any time suggested otherwise. I am so lucky. Believe me when I say I am being sincere. I couldn't be any more sincere even if there were a naked woman who I was married to in front of me right now and I was in a ten day pregnancy induced sex drought and, at this point, willing to bang a pillow that was shaped sexy.

What can we all take away from this? Everything is hot when you're horny- especially naked pregnant women
and pillows (just sexy pillows though).

Yes, she is birthing while grabbing a bear head. Coincidence? Hardly.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

...and now it is time to play: HIPPIE or ZOMBIE?

The following images have not been used with permission, except for the fact THEY WERE POSTED ON THE INTERNET. Seriously, what did you think was going to happen when you threw them up on the world wide web?

America's favorite game...
...is apparently football, which suggests that Americans are much cooler than everyone else in the world which is why it is okay for us to have lots of stuff made by little kids who live in countries that don't like football. Sorry kids. You had to have seen this coming, though. Do you have any idea what an onside kick is? No? Well then, it is a little hard for me to feel bad for you. Thanks for the three dollar *Spydeerman T-shirt, by the way.

So...if you like football, you will LOVE Hippie or Zombie?

The rules are simple. In fact, they are the exact same rules as football, but with the added element where you have to correctly identify whether you are looking at a hippie(s) or a zombie(s). If you incorrectly identify an image it is a ten yard penalty and you lose one field goal.
Ready to play? Good.

Hippie or Zombie?

Some classic giveaways here. First, there is the obvious red paste rubbed on her neck which is a holistic treatment used to remove capitalism stains from your aura. Second tell tell "that's definitely a hippie" sign are those stupid eye contacts that change your eye color to match a rainbow, or your birth stone, or in her case, a urinal cake in a broken gas station bathroom. Your third giveaway is the teeth. Someone hasn't been brushing...and really, why should she? After all, dental hygiene is all just a big capitalist conspiracy between the government, dentists, and toothpaste companies anyway. Obviously they are going to to tell you that you should brush 3 times a day and go to your dentist twice a year. Our girl in the photo above, she is too smart for those fat cats.

and again: Hippies or Zombies?


Did you guess hippies? Easy mistake to make. Here you have a group of people gathered for a communal meal while defying conventions like cooking, using utensils, and not eating humans. Consequently, it is very easy to mistake this for a group of hippies. The zombie clue here is what you are not seeing. Nowhere is there anything certifying their meal as 100% certified organic, and in this case, republican free. This here is a classic zombie mauling followed by feeding frenzy.

How are you doing so far? When the Zombie apocalypse rolls around will you be running out of the forest because you thought you stumbled into a rainbow gathering and were about to be the center of a naked bearded love circle or because you were about to get eaten alive by zombies?

Try this one: Hippie or Zombie?

Did you say Hippie?
Seriously, answer the question! Did you say hippie? Because if you said hippie I am going to punch myself in the face. That is Rob **F. Zombie, of White Zombie. He beats up six hippies every morning BEFORE breakfast! Oh man, I hope you did not say hippie...
If you did say zombie, I will only give you credit if you specified "Zombie," as in Robert's last name and that he is a member of the Zombie family, son of Mr. & Mrs. Zombie (who won the Best Sock Puppet performance at the 1988 Zombie family reunion).

Hippie or Zombie?
Swamp Zombie...
jk! That's totally a hippie

That is pure, 100% hippie, my friends. Interesting note here- Disenfranchised by the commodifying and marketing of patchouli in the U.S., but still interested in maintaining his hippie street cred, this hippie is actually growing his own patchouli right on his body. He applies seed in the spring and a few months later, voilé, his patchouli is already applied just like all the other hippies, except he didn't have to sell out by purchasing it from the man's economic machine. The other giveaway was the joint he's toking. Zombies eat brains. They don't smoke pot.

Want more? Well stay tuned, because more is coming.

*Half spy, half deer, all awesome!
Strengths: spy capabilities, grazing, wearing superhero costumes that are VERY similar to those of other superheros, & giving very young children the opportunity to make his merchandise for 12 to 16 hours per day.
Weakness: Headlights, Child labor activists

**Fuking (it's German)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


The official seal of the great state of Utah...
See that "beehive?" It's actually a gun safe.


One thing that has really been getting under my skin lately is Utah's lack of an official state firearm and the fact that, for some bizarre reason, the gun is not our official state symbol.

There are 3 things every Utahn openly embraces: Jesus, polygamy, and guns. For some strange reason our state politicians have been trivializing their time with things like cutting school budgets and passing anti-immigration laws, so I am glad to see they have finally decided to start getting after the important stuff.
Jesus, Polygamy, the Browning M1911 Semi-Auto: The Utah Trifecta

So who is the lucky girl, you ask? None other than the Browning M1911, obviously (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M1911_pistol ). After all, yesterday, Jan. 24, was officially declared Browning day here in Utah, so any other gun would have been a bullet grazing directly to the face of every Utahn that ever lived. John M. Browning is "one of the great Utahns in history" according to our state politicians. The Utah we live in today wouldn't be what it is if he hadn't had the courage to be born in Ogden and then go on to make guns in order to afford his...err...gun habit. Because of the aforementioned acts (being born and getting a job), his direct impact on Utah CAN NOT be overstated...he WAS BORN HERE!!! IN UTAH!!! If he had been born in Idaho...I shudder at the thought- but it is pretty safe to say, that we, not Idaho, would be the state shaped like a badly deformed erect penis.

If that's not doing it for you, think about this: "John M. Browning has single-handedly saved more lives on the battlefield than any other person."(Rep. Stephen R. Sandstrom, R-Orem).
You read right, people. Now bear in mind, by "saved" he means "taken" unless of course we are talking about the great Browning intervention of WWI...no, I'm not talking about the time archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated with a Browning pistol, triggering WWI.
I'm referring to the time when John M. Browning stepped onto the battlefield and calmly walked to every dead and/or wounded person and healed them and/or brought them back from the dead. Later, when the combatants were asked "Why didn't you shoot him...and maybe rape him later*?" multiple people responded "Because of the 3 mysterious men with swords and shields that were with him...what were we supposed to do? They had swords! ...Oh, and also, he healed my buddy who had just been shot 12 times." Estimates of people saved that day range between 350 and 500,000,000,000. I have seen Band of Brothers, Rambo 1 through 4, Saving Private Ryan, and the entire Ken Burns Civil War documentary, (so it is pretty safe to say I know what I am talking about) and in none of those battles does any one soldier come anywhere close to those lifesaving numbers on the battlefield.

Sadly, there are always the buzzkillers out there, namely one Steve Gunn, who had the audacity to suggest that adopting the Browning m1911 as the state gun was in bad taste because it was a "weapon that has been used to commit such terrible acts,"and then cited the shootings in AZ, Virginia Tech, and Ft. Hood.

First off, the guns didn't kill anybody. People kill people. In any of those particular incidences those individuals could have just as easily walked into those crowds with a spoon they sharpened or a rock they had picked up on their way over and caused just as much, or more, damage (Shooters have to stop to reload- You never have to reload a sharpened spoon...it just keeps on killing without ever taking a break).

Secondly, Steve Gunn, have you said your name to yourself out loud recently? You know what your last name sounds like to me? Your little, "add an extra n and no one will be the wiser" trick isn't fooling me, or any other lawmaking Utahn. We have a keen sense of irony, you know. We pick up on this stuff right away. What I really think is going on here, Mr Gun, is that someone is running from their destiny. Don't run from it. Embrace it. It's who you are. Do that which you were meant to do, and maybe someday we will have a Gun Day in your honor. How great would that be? All of us gathered around a statue of you, our firearms raised to the sky, a prayer, a kiss for the wives, and then 5 minutes of non stop blasting. It will be a bad day to be a cloud, but a great day to be Steve Gunn or should I say Steve Gun (it's who you are, we both know it).

The state senate passed it, so now on to the house- You know I've go my fingers crossed! Don't let me down, state congress. I'm tired of living in shame and embarrassment in the Beehive State. It will be nice to finally get some respect once I live in the "Damn right, I'm packing!" state.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Annoying Plants

Things a pretensious bush might say: "I don't think I'm better than other plants just because of that whole Moses and the burning bush incident. Okay, yes, obviously God thinks we are better, and it's true, I've never seen a Bible made from bush pulp, but me, personally, I'm just not the type of plant that is going to run around acting all holier than thou just because I'm favored by God."

Duesche plants: "...I know you're thinking, "he's just a shrub," but I'm going to let you in on a little secret- I'm one quarter Redwood. You know what they say about Redwoods, right? I'm telling you now, it's true. Don't let these little leaves and stubby twigs fool you. I'm all redwood where it counts."
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