Tuesday, January 25, 2011


The official seal of the great state of Utah...
See that "beehive?" It's actually a gun safe.


One thing that has really been getting under my skin lately is Utah's lack of an official state firearm and the fact that, for some bizarre reason, the gun is not our official state symbol.

There are 3 things every Utahn openly embraces: Jesus, polygamy, and guns. For some strange reason our state politicians have been trivializing their time with things like cutting school budgets and passing anti-immigration laws, so I am glad to see they have finally decided to start getting after the important stuff.
Jesus, Polygamy, the Browning M1911 Semi-Auto: The Utah Trifecta

So who is the lucky girl, you ask? None other than the Browning M1911, obviously (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/M1911_pistol ). After all, yesterday, Jan. 24, was officially declared Browning day here in Utah, so any other gun would have been a bullet grazing directly to the face of every Utahn that ever lived. John M. Browning is "one of the great Utahns in history" according to our state politicians. The Utah we live in today wouldn't be what it is if he hadn't had the courage to be born in Ogden and then go on to make guns in order to afford his...err...gun habit. Because of the aforementioned acts (being born and getting a job), his direct impact on Utah CAN NOT be overstated...he WAS BORN HERE!!! IN UTAH!!! If he had been born in Idaho...I shudder at the thought- but it is pretty safe to say, that we, not Idaho, would be the state shaped like a badly deformed erect penis.

If that's not doing it for you, think about this: "John M. Browning has single-handedly saved more lives on the battlefield than any other person."(Rep. Stephen R. Sandstrom, R-Orem).
You read right, people. Now bear in mind, by "saved" he means "taken" unless of course we are talking about the great Browning intervention of WWI...no, I'm not talking about the time archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated with a Browning pistol, triggering WWI.
I'm referring to the time when John M. Browning stepped onto the battlefield and calmly walked to every dead and/or wounded person and healed them and/or brought them back from the dead. Later, when the combatants were asked "Why didn't you shoot him...and maybe rape him later*?" multiple people responded "Because of the 3 mysterious men with swords and shields that were with him...what were we supposed to do? They had swords! ...Oh, and also, he healed my buddy who had just been shot 12 times." Estimates of people saved that day range between 350 and 500,000,000,000. I have seen Band of Brothers, Rambo 1 through 4, Saving Private Ryan, and the entire Ken Burns Civil War documentary, (so it is pretty safe to say I know what I am talking about) and in none of those battles does any one soldier come anywhere close to those lifesaving numbers on the battlefield.

Sadly, there are always the buzzkillers out there, namely one Steve Gunn, who had the audacity to suggest that adopting the Browning m1911 as the state gun was in bad taste because it was a "weapon that has been used to commit such terrible acts,"and then cited the shootings in AZ, Virginia Tech, and Ft. Hood.

First off, the guns didn't kill anybody. People kill people. In any of those particular incidences those individuals could have just as easily walked into those crowds with a spoon they sharpened or a rock they had picked up on their way over and caused just as much, or more, damage (Shooters have to stop to reload- You never have to reload a sharpened spoon...it just keeps on killing without ever taking a break).

Secondly, Steve Gunn, have you said your name to yourself out loud recently? You know what your last name sounds like to me? Your little, "add an extra n and no one will be the wiser" trick isn't fooling me, or any other lawmaking Utahn. We have a keen sense of irony, you know. We pick up on this stuff right away. What I really think is going on here, Mr Gun, is that someone is running from their destiny. Don't run from it. Embrace it. It's who you are. Do that which you were meant to do, and maybe someday we will have a Gun Day in your honor. How great would that be? All of us gathered around a statue of you, our firearms raised to the sky, a prayer, a kiss for the wives, and then 5 minutes of non stop blasting. It will be a bad day to be a cloud, but a great day to be Steve Gunn or should I say Steve Gun (it's who you are, we both know it).

The state senate passed it, so now on to the house- You know I've go my fingers crossed! Don't let me down, state congress. I'm tired of living in shame and embarrassment in the Beehive State. It will be nice to finally get some respect once I live in the "Damn right, I'm packing!" state.

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