Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's My Body and I'll Cry if I Want to...

Sometimes being super strong on the outside isn't enough- and I am really, really strong. I did 30 reps of 15 at 85% and watched myself grunt in the mirror 6 different times...but sometimes even that really hard workout that you have probably never even thought about doing just isn't enough...I will post the exact workout on Facebook later so you can see how truly amazing it was even though for me it was no big deal, but right now I have some sobbing to do.
yes there is a reason I've been crying in the shower for the last 3 hours...
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It all started innocently enough, two young people, married, happy, in love, and showering together. Yes, things were getting steamy. A broken bathroom fan had something to do with it, but also a very, very hot water heater. One might say “conditions were perfect.”

That is when it happened...and by “it” I mean someone who was washing her hair had her eyes closed when she blindly reached out and grabbed my butt. Good thing, right? except
it was immediately followed by a disgusted “What is that?” She opened her eyes, saw the object in question, then started laughing hysterically. It wasn’t just any old hysterical laughter either. It was the kind of laughter you expect to hear after watching something like...oh...I don’t know...this:

So yes, I’m a broken, revolting, jiggly man apparently. I don’t get it though. I went back and reviewed my Facebook posts and Tweets and this never should have happened because I AM SO HARDCORE.

10/2/2010 Back from the gym. I worked out so hard today. Man I sure am glad I worked out as hard as I did. Boy do I feel a lot better then you probably do.

10/16/2010 Ran 14 miles today. NBD. People are like, “Wow, I can’t believe you run that far.” Really? I can’t believe you don’t. I am in such good shape.

10/31/2010 Watched some people eating food that probably had fat in it. I feel so bad for them because they’ll never feel as good as me. Delicious rice cakes, thank you. Can’t get enough. Eating healthy is like getting sex in my mouth 3-5 times a day. You should put down those french fries and try it.

11/6/2010 Rode my bike 200 miles. I feel so good. I’m thinking about doing it again tomorrow. Who wants to come? It’ll be fun unless you are too tired because you don’t workout nearly as much as I do, which is 7-10 times per week.

...and the list goes on and on...

12/23/2010 My 5 a.m. swim session was epic. Only swam 3 miles today. Oh well. I was swimming so fast some other people who were at the pool said my nickname should be motorboat. Let’s make it Sex Shark Motorboat and you guys have got yourself a deal. Maybe if they were better swimmers then they would be better nickname givers... It is so great being such a good swimmer and being able to think up such awesome nicknames for myself.

Despite all those and many, many more posts on how healthy and great I am, I get laughed at in the shower as if those posts actually in no way reflect what physical condition I’m in...

So I will keep sobbing and eating here in the shower til I can muster up the desire to go post about how great the 4 hours in the gym are going to be and that anyone who wants to should come but be prepared to go hard, because when it comes to posting about my workouts on facebook and twitter, you can count on two things: I won’t even so much as stand up quick out of a chair without posting it on the web and when that happens, yes, I expect you to be impressed with the endless amount of workout activity I am engaged in...

Friday, January 28, 2011

"Hot Pregnant Lady"

In one of these pictures Britney is hot, in the other she is pregnant. In the spirit of fairness and objectivity I have not disclosed which is which.

First, a disclaimer:  Anything any woman's husband has told her about how hot and beautiful she is while pregnant is absolutely true and should never be questioned nor his sincerity doubted. He is being 100% sincere. He sincerely wants you to believe that he meant it.

Everyone talks about how beautiful/sexy/hot women are when they are pregnant?  Why are we doing that?  We've seen women not pregnant and, um, yeah-  No contest.  Despite that fact, after becoming pregnant, many women who would  never even consider wearing shorts or a dress that didn't extend past the knee now feel the need to be photographed pregnant and naked because "they just feel so beautiful."    She has become a hot pregnant lady and apparently it is ok for hot pregnant ladies to post naked pictures of themselves online even though they have never posted hot not-naked pictures of themselves online in order for us to be able to compare.
Here is the thing, hot pregnant lady doesn't exist unless we are talking about a pregnant lady who happens to be out in the middle of Death Valley at noon in the middle of summer with no water.  

People argue "Guys have sex with women they think are hot and guys are having sex with pregnant women all the time so I guess your theory is wrong, Typing Bear, or whatever stupid name it is that you call yourself."

It's true.  Guys do have sex with pregnant women.
This is getting contentious so let's change the subject.

Have a look at this little picture here. It's hot, right?

Now close your eyes and think about the picture. Can you see it? Still hot.

What does that have to do with anything?
Nothing. I like that picture.

I, of course, do have a very hot wife, even while pregnant. She is so smoking hot when she is carrying my babies around in that big ol' never, ever unattractive baby-filled belly that I can't keep my hands off her (and not because pregnancy sized women are hard to avoid bumping into with your hands because of their size, this is totally sex related).  I never ever think she is not hot while pregnant because she makes pregnancy hot. I have never at any time suggested otherwise. I am so lucky. Believe me when I say I am being sincere. I couldn't be any more sincere even if there were a naked woman who I was married to in front of me right now and I was in a ten day pregnancy induced sex drought and, at this point, willing to bang a pillow that was shaped sexy.

What can we all take away from this? Everything is hot when you're horny- especially naked pregnant women
and pillows (just sexy pillows though).

Yes, she is birthing while grabbing a bear head. Coincidence? Hardly.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

...and now it is time to play: HIPPIE or ZOMBIE?

The following images have not been used with permission, except for the fact THEY WERE POSTED ON THE INTERNET. Seriously, what did you think was going to happen when you threw them up on the world wide web?

America's favorite game... apparently football, which suggests that Americans are much cooler than everyone else in the world which is why it is okay for us to have lots of stuff made by little kids who live in countries that don't like football. Sorry kids. You had to have seen this coming, though. Do you have any idea what an onside kick is? No? Well then, it is a little hard for me to feel bad for you. Thanks for the three dollar *Spydeerman T-shirt, by the way.

So...if you like football, you will LOVE Hippie or Zombie?

The rules are simple. In fact, they are the exact same rules as football, but with the added element where you have to correctly identify whether you are looking at a hippie(s) or a zombie(s). If you incorrectly identify an image it is a ten yard penalty and you lose one field goal.
Ready to play? Good.

Hippie or Zombie?

Some classic giveaways here. First, there is the obvious red paste rubbed on her neck which is a holistic treatment used to remove capitalism stains from your aura. Second tell tell "that's definitely a hippie" sign are those stupid eye contacts that change your eye color to match a rainbow, or your birth stone, or in her case, a urinal cake in a broken gas station bathroom. Your third giveaway is the teeth. Someone hasn't been brushing...and really, why should she? After all, dental hygiene is all just a big capitalist conspiracy between the government, dentists, and toothpaste companies anyway. Obviously they are going to to tell you that you should brush 3 times a day and go to your dentist twice a year. Our girl in the photo above, she is too smart for those fat cats.

and again: Hippies or Zombies?


Did you guess hippies? Easy mistake to make. Here you have a group of people gathered for a communal meal while defying conventions like cooking, using utensils, and not eating humans. Consequently, it is very easy to mistake this for a group of hippies. The zombie clue here is what you are not seeing. Nowhere is there anything certifying their meal as 100% certified organic, and in this case, republican free. This here is a classic zombie mauling followed by feeding frenzy.

How are you doing so far? When the Zombie apocalypse rolls around will you be running out of the forest because you thought you stumbled into a rainbow gathering and were about to be the center of a naked bearded love circle or because you were about to get eaten alive by zombies?

Try this one: Hippie or Zombie?

Did you say Hippie?
Seriously, answer the question! Did you say hippie? Because if you said hippie I am going to punch myself in the face. That is Rob **F. Zombie, of White Zombie. He beats up six hippies every morning BEFORE breakfast! Oh man, I hope you did not say hippie...
If you did say zombie, I will only give you credit if you specified "Zombie," as in Robert's last name and that he is a member of the Zombie family, son of Mr. & Mrs. Zombie (who won the Best Sock Puppet performance at the 1988 Zombie family reunion).

Hippie or Zombie?
Swamp Zombie...
jk! That's totally a hippie

That is pure, 100% hippie, my friends. Interesting note here- Disenfranchised by the commodifying and marketing of patchouli in the U.S., but still interested in maintaining his hippie street cred, this hippie is actually growing his own patchouli right on his body. He applies seed in the spring and a few months later, voilé, his patchouli is already applied just like all the other hippies, except he didn't have to sell out by purchasing it from the man's economic machine. The other giveaway was the joint he's toking. Zombies eat brains. They don't smoke pot.

Want more? Well stay tuned, because more is coming.

*Half spy, half deer, all awesome!
Strengths: spy capabilities, grazing, wearing superhero costumes that are VERY similar to those of other superheros, & giving very young children the opportunity to make his merchandise for 12 to 16 hours per day.
Weakness: Headlights, Child labor activists

**Fuking (it's German)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011


The official seal of the great state of Utah...
See that "beehive?" It's actually a gun safe.

One thing that has really been getting under my skin lately is Utah's lack of an official state firearm and the fact that, for some bizarre reason, the gun is not our official state symbol.

There are 3 things every Utahn openly embraces: Jesus, polygamy, and guns. For some strange reason our state politicians have been trivializing their time with things like cutting school budgets and passing anti-immigration laws, so I am glad to see they have finally decided to start getting after the important stuff.
Jesus, Polygamy, the Browning M1911 Semi-Auto: The Utah Trifecta

So who is the lucky girl, you ask? None other than the Browning M1911, obviously ( ). After all, yesterday, Jan. 24, was officially declared Browning day here in Utah, so any other gun would have been a bullet grazing directly to the face of every Utahn that ever lived. John M. Browning is "one of the great Utahns in history" according to our state politicians. The Utah we live in today wouldn't be what it is if he hadn't had the courage to be born in Ogden and then go on to make guns in order to afford his...err...gun habit. Because of the aforementioned acts (being born and getting a job), his direct impact on Utah CAN NOT be overstated...he WAS BORN HERE!!! IN UTAH!!! If he had been born in Idaho...I shudder at the thought- but it is pretty safe to say, that we, not Idaho, would be the state shaped like a badly deformed erect penis.

If that's not doing it for you, think about this: "John M. Browning has single-handedly saved more lives on the battlefield than any other person."(Rep. Stephen R. Sandstrom, R-Orem).
You read right, people. Now bear in mind, by "saved" he means "taken" unless of course we are talking about the great Browning intervention of, I'm not talking about the time archduke Franz Ferdinand and his wife, Sophie, were assassinated with a Browning pistol, triggering WWI.
I'm referring to the time when John M. Browning stepped onto the battlefield and calmly walked to every dead and/or wounded person and healed them and/or brought them back from the dead. Later, when the combatants were asked "Why didn't you shoot him...and maybe rape him later*?" multiple people responded "Because of the 3 mysterious men with swords and shields that were with him...what were we supposed to do? They had swords! ...Oh, and also, he healed my buddy who had just been shot 12 times." Estimates of people saved that day range between 350 and 500,000,000,000. I have seen Band of Brothers, Rambo 1 through 4, Saving Private Ryan, and the entire Ken Burns Civil War documentary, (so it is pretty safe to say I know what I am talking about) and in none of those battles does any one soldier come anywhere close to those lifesaving numbers on the battlefield.

Sadly, there are always the buzzkillers out there, namely one Steve Gunn, who had the audacity to suggest that adopting the Browning m1911 as the state gun was in bad taste because it was a "weapon that has been used to commit such terrible acts,"and then cited the shootings in AZ, Virginia Tech, and Ft. Hood.

First off, the guns didn't kill anybody. People kill people. In any of those particular incidences those individuals could have just as easily walked into those crowds with a spoon they sharpened or a rock they had picked up on their way over and caused just as much, or more, damage (Shooters have to stop to reload- You never have to reload a sharpened just keeps on killing without ever taking a break).

Secondly, Steve Gunn, have you said your name to yourself out loud recently? You know what your last name sounds like to me? Your little, "add an extra n and no one will be the wiser" trick isn't fooling me, or any other lawmaking Utahn. We have a keen sense of irony, you know. We pick up on this stuff right away. What I really think is going on here, Mr Gun, is that someone is running from their destiny. Don't run from it. Embrace it. It's who you are. Do that which you were meant to do, and maybe someday we will have a Gun Day in your honor. How great would that be? All of us gathered around a statue of you, our firearms raised to the sky, a prayer, a kiss for the wives, and then 5 minutes of non stop blasting. It will be a bad day to be a cloud, but a great day to be Steve Gunn or should I say Steve Gun (it's who you are, we both know it).

The state senate passed it, so now on to the house- You know I've go my fingers crossed! Don't let me down, state congress. I'm tired of living in shame and embarrassment in the Beehive State. It will be nice to finally get some respect once I live in the "Damn right, I'm packing!" state.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Annoying Plants

Things a pretensious bush might say: "I don't think I'm better than other plants just because of that whole Moses and the burning bush incident. Okay, yes, obviously God thinks we are better, and it's true, I've never seen a Bible made from bush pulp, but me, personally, I'm just not the type of plant that is going to run around acting all holier than thou just because I'm favored by God."

Duesche plants: "...I know you're thinking, "he's just a shrub," but I'm going to let you in on a little secret- I'm one quarter Redwood. You know what they say about Redwoods, right? I'm telling you now, it's true. Don't let these little leaves and stubby twigs fool you. I'm all redwood where it counts."
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Thursday, January 20, 2011

"You Can Take My Arms, but You can NEVER Take my Sassy!"

Is there a story here? Yes. Is it a good one? It is if you are fairly tired... or drunk. Will you tell it to us? Maybe later. It is getting late. Please? No, it is time for bed...
On second thought, ...aww, what the heck?
Someone, who shall remain anonymous, but whose butt I am touching she was going to cut off my arms for being sassy, so I told her: (see above title). The End.

Your welcome. Now run off to bed or I won't tell the monsters hiding under it not to eat you.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The following conversation is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent...because no one was innocent.

1:04 PM me: hey duesche. Why are you so dueschy. JK ;b
but seriously, why the dueschiness?

11 minutes
1:16 PM Trent: hey easy w/ that s**t
i've never used summer's eve
1:17 PM me: haven't you, Trent?
(dramatic pause)
haven't you?
Trent: (trent looks down....)
yes, i have.
me: (pats Trent's shoulder)
Now was being honest so hard?
1:18 PM Trent: (sniff sniff)
me: Now,
I'm going to be honest with you.
(makes direct eye contact)
You are a duesche.
(kicks trent in the nuts)
1:19 PM Trent: all the reasons trent hates Spence
me: ...and loves him.
it's complicated
1:20 PM Trent: so true

Friday, January 14, 2011

Beards- Better Safe than Sorry... because you never know when you may need to escape from prison and figure out who killed your wife.

When it comes to beards, the answer to the question "Should I grow one?" is an obvious "yes." There is the very apparent "good looking" factor I think we are all aware of. Do you honestly think Brian David Mitchell could have pulled off his little heist, or that the media would have even taken note, if he hadn't had that dashing beard? (darn handsome fellow, despite the questionable hipster hairstyle).

Looking good, my man. You can kidnap me anytime!

Guess how many wives Brigham Young had when this picture was taken:

early Brigham Young, a.k.a. Señor Uno 
He only had ONE (+/- ). They didn't call him Señor Uno due to an uncanny ability to quickly identify colors and numbers on cards and shout spanish words. It was because he only had one (approximately) wife at the time, like every other one-wife-having loser.

Now check out a bearded Brigham, or Mr. 55, as I like to call him:

Mr. 55

The above pictured is a man with 55 wives. Yeah.  Fifty-five. You think you get 55 wives with that mopey little baby face and hipster haircut seen in the picture posted prior to this one? (Hipsters, listen up) No. You get one... maybe three, but at least one of them is going to be a big ol' fatty. If you want to rock the double digits in the wife category it's going to require you to take an uncompromising approach to shaving, the same approach taken by, Mr. 55, a.k.a Brigham Young.
Is it ironic that currently only the women of the Brigham Young University student body are currently allowed to grow beards (and most do)? Yes, but just as well, I say. That way I don't have to worry about any BYU guys trying to move in on my number 12 with their freshly shorn faces.

That beards are the most attractive feature one could possibly add to their countenance isn't a big revelation. Why do you think women join Islam? It's not for the burqa or the public stonings...
But is that all beards are good for? Just looking really, really good and nothing else?
Allow me to answer that question with a question: Have you ever heard of a Dr. Richard Kimble?

When Dr. Kimble's wife was killed he ended up taking the wrap for it, despite the fact he and his beard where in the operating room saving lives when the dirty deal went down. So what did he do? He and his beard escaped from prison, and like OJ Simpson, set out to find the real killer.

The beard shall set you free...and the truth too...but first things first.

Here is where the true utility of the beard really comes into play. Dr. Kimble had to make sure no one recognized him while he was on run. Since one of the lawmen giving chase happened to be Tommy Lee Jones there was no taking half measures, so he shaved off the beard. What happened next is truly amazing and is something no hollywood trick could ever replicate, nor words completely describe. See for yourself:

What the...? Who the heck is that? Looks like a one (+/-) wife Brigham Young. Definitely DOESN'T bear any resemblance to a certain fugitive,
Dr. Richard Kimble.

As you can clearly see there is no resemblance whatsoever between the two individuals in the two immediately above photos, but I can assure you it is the same person.

I won't spoil The Fugitive for you since it is once of the greatest movies ever made, but let's just say there is a certain beardless one-armed man who...well...probably should have grown a beard. It is worth mentioning that Dr. Kimble, even without the beard, was still Harrison Ford, but that doesn't change the fact that if you intend to be a fugitive with Tommy Lee Jones on your tail you are going to have to do two things to have any chance at all:
1- have a sweet beard
2-escape from prison and shave off that beard

The truth of the matter is you could be framed for murder and put on death row tomorrow. Are you prepared? Unless you intend to sit around in prison until Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman show up with a bible and a little hammer you had better have a full-on beard at the ready...(and let's not forget the added bonus of your beard turning your "no lady" problem into a "mo' lady" problem).

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Are your photo captions 100% hypothetical bear typed certified? They could be- Send the Incredible Typing Bear your photos!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, and that is true. Sometimes a picture can be worth even more than the current going rate of 1000 words. That's where the hypothetical typing bear comes in. Bear typed captions can increase a picture's worth substantially.

Do you have a photo you are dying to have captioned, thus making it more valuable on the word market? Lets have it. I'm taking the first eleven photos (a 1/11/11 tribute), which I will caption and post on this site, thus allowing the world (a.k.a. like, thirteen people) to see the dramatic increase in picture value (hypothetical) bear typed captions can have (plus everyone has said captions are their favorite).

Here is an example.

The photo below is currently valued at 1000.3 words.

Note the absence of any captions.

Photo value, now with captions: 1030.3 + value added by hypothetical bear typed certified authentic caption= 1,000,008.2

Yes, we had to sell the table to buy the birthday cake (it's custom),
but isn't a child's happiness worth eating on the floor
for the next several years?

Want to increase the value of one of your photos? Send them here:

0145 hours...

I like Pandora. I do not like McPandora.

Mcdonalds makes me mad sometimes, but I can't totally hate them. "Why?", you ask. One mcword: mcflurry.

The mcflurry is so good that I would never go farther while badmouthing Mcdonalds than saying that there may be a slight correlation between people who eat there regularly and also shop at Wal mart.

Mcdonalds is basically the metaphorical equivalent of a fat, toothless prostitute; you are ashamed if you're seen driving by, mortified if you're seen inside, and all but assured to catch a contagious chronic disease if you are any sort of a regular...even with all that, the "mcflurry" is so good it keeps you coming back despite the shame and uncurable sores.

So if you wonder where I am right now, chances are i've snuck off to the metaphorical fat, toothless town prostitute for a quick "mcflurry."
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Friday, January 7, 2011

Zombie nintendo

If they made zombie video game controllers that gave you the zombie virus if you got killed by a zombie while playing, suddenly, from a protective parents point of view, grand theft auto doesn't seem like such a bad game. Of course once we had actual zombies walking around, then the zombie games really wouldn't be "just a game" anymore. So when you stop and think about it, Grand Theft Auto would probably still be the worst game.
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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Lament of a Hipster... or Steve Jobs: Giver of Happiness and Creator of Pain

I like the Shins & the Cure when I feel sad-
And today has gotten me quite mad.
So with my sad music on
I'm writing this poem
'cause I'm a hipster that don't have an Ipad.

I am not a hipster, nor do I lament not having an ipad, but my remarkable ability to look into souls perceived their sensitive hipsters feelings as they shopped for rotary dial phones at second hand stores... I was there shopping for hipsters emotions.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Double Dream Hands-

Is this the greatest choreographed dance ever? No. Madonna kissing Britney was better, but that was the only one-

Sunday, January 2, 2011

the good ol' days of stalking...

I bet old stalkers sit around and talk about how before Facebook you USED to have to leave the house dressed up in black and creep around the neighborhood to get a good stalking session in... now all you need is a black computer with a Worlds of Warcraft sticker and a strong clicking finger. No wonder America is so fat.
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