Friday, January 14, 2011

Beards- Better Safe than Sorry... because you never know when you may need to escape from prison and figure out who killed your wife.

When it comes to beards, the answer to the question "Should I grow one?" is an obvious "yes." There is the very apparent "good looking" factor I think we are all aware of. Do you honestly think Brian David Mitchell could have pulled off his little heist, or that the media would have even taken note, if he hadn't had that dashing beard? (darn handsome fellow, despite the questionable hipster hairstyle).

Looking good, my man. You can kidnap me anytime!

Guess how many wives Brigham Young had when this picture was taken:

early Brigham Young, a.k.a. Señor Uno 
He only had ONE (+/- ). They didn't call him Señor Uno due to an uncanny ability to quickly identify colors and numbers on cards and shout spanish words. It was because he only had one (approximately) wife at the time, like every other one-wife-having loser.

Now check out a bearded Brigham, or Mr. 55, as I like to call him:

Mr. 55

The above pictured is a man with 55 wives. Yeah.  Fifty-five. You think you get 55 wives with that mopey little baby face and hipster haircut seen in the picture posted prior to this one? (Hipsters, listen up) No. You get one... maybe three, but at least one of them is going to be a big ol' fatty. If you want to rock the double digits in the wife category it's going to require you to take an uncompromising approach to shaving, the same approach taken by, Mr. 55, a.k.a Brigham Young.
Is it ironic that currently only the women of the Brigham Young University student body are currently allowed to grow beards (and most do)? Yes, but just as well, I say. That way I don't have to worry about any BYU guys trying to move in on my number 12 with their freshly shorn faces.

That beards are the most attractive feature one could possibly add to their countenance isn't a big revelation. Why do you think women join Islam? It's not for the burqa or the public stonings...
But is that all beards are good for? Just looking really, really good and nothing else?
Allow me to answer that question with a question: Have you ever heard of a Dr. Richard Kimble?

When Dr. Kimble's wife was killed he ended up taking the wrap for it, despite the fact he and his beard where in the operating room saving lives when the dirty deal went down. So what did he do? He and his beard escaped from prison, and like OJ Simpson, set out to find the real killer.

The beard shall set you free...and the truth too...but first things first.

Here is where the true utility of the beard really comes into play. Dr. Kimble had to make sure no one recognized him while he was on run. Since one of the lawmen giving chase happened to be Tommy Lee Jones there was no taking half measures, so he shaved off the beard. What happened next is truly amazing and is something no hollywood trick could ever replicate, nor words completely describe. See for yourself:

What the...? Who the heck is that? Looks like a one (+/-) wife Brigham Young. Definitely DOESN'T bear any resemblance to a certain fugitive,
Dr. Richard Kimble.

As you can clearly see there is no resemblance whatsoever between the two individuals in the two immediately above photos, but I can assure you it is the same person.

I won't spoil The Fugitive for you since it is once of the greatest movies ever made, but let's just say there is a certain beardless one-armed man who...well...probably should have grown a beard. It is worth mentioning that Dr. Kimble, even without the beard, was still Harrison Ford, but that doesn't change the fact that if you intend to be a fugitive with Tommy Lee Jones on your tail you are going to have to do two things to have any chance at all:
1- have a sweet beard
2-escape from prison and shave off that beard

The truth of the matter is you could be framed for murder and put on death row tomorrow. Are you prepared? Unless you intend to sit around in prison until Tim Robbins and Morgan Freeman show up with a bible and a little hammer you had better have a full-on beard at the ready...(and let's not forget the added bonus of your beard turning your "no lady" problem into a "mo' lady" problem).

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