Sunday, January 15, 2012

Logan Art House & Cinema...They're the Worst!

Someone beat me to the punch of publicly disparaging The Logan Art House & Cinema and, frankly, she did such a good job that all I could do is add to it.  I hate that place so much that I only hang out there 2 or 3 times a week...and it is only because their concessions are really good and I like happiness...and sometimes I like to eat hipsters (because of the thing where I am a bear), but otherwise, the place is crap.

-original review is in ALL CAPS BECAUSE SHE IS A YELLER and typing bear is italicized purple (I would have done all caps also but due to no opposable thumbs and bear claws, changing italics and font color is...well...purple is fine...and yes I realize that the purples don't even match.  Shit. I'm a bear. What do you want from me?).

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Logan Art House Cinema is terrible !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SWEAR I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP (I’m not going to lie here, I swear. I am also not making up how much I agree with this review).  I AM WRITING THIS REVIEW SO THAT PEOPLE ARE AWARE OF WHAT KIND OF COMEDIANS ATTEND THIS THEATRE (comedians that have at least 5 dollars can attend.  Those who perform, from what I understand, don’t even need to have that). TWO OF THEIR GUEST COMEDIANS MIKE GROVER (he rides a bright orange scooter, not a joke) AND CASEY PETERSON (he goes to Snow College...also not a about dedicating your life to comedy, right?) MADE JOKES ABOUT JEWISH PEOPLE TAKING SHOWERS TOGETHER DURING THE HOLOCAUST (actually I think the joke was about Mormon pioneer trek re-enactments, but it was an illiteracy fundraiser and I am new to this whole reading and understanding thing, so I could be wrong), THEY ALSO MADE JOKES ABOUT HOW HITLER KILLED PEOPLE BECAUSE HE WAS A VEGETARIAN ( they WERE being VERY disrespectful to Hitler). THEY ALSO JOKED ABOUT HOW THE WHITE SUPREMACISTS CELEBRATE MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY BY SEPARATING THE CREME FILLING FROM THE OREOS (first they attack Hitler, who is dead and can’t even defend himself, and now this? Who do they think they are, suggesting that white supremacists are racist and ridiculous?  They don’t even pretend to try and respect other people’s points of view that might be different from their own. Just because THEY don’t hate another person because of the color of their skin doesn’t make it okay for them to make fun of someone who does.  When comedians are close-minded about aryan racist’s beliefs, ...well, there is nothing funny about that). THEY MADE JOKES ABOUT HOW THE FRENCH AND MIDDLE EASTERN ALIENS FROM OTHER COUNTRIES ARE RUDE, (they were WAY out of line with those jokes...I would like them to show me ONE instance in the media of people from the middle east or France being rude to us or showing disdain for us or, heaven forbid, celebrating our misfortune...if they can prove that has EVER occurred THEN we’ll talk about who is being rude. “Comedians?” Hardly.  More like co-mean-ians)AND THEY ALSO MADE FUN OF BREAST CANCER BEING SO POPULAR (I couldn’t believe these monsters would dare suggest that companies, corporations, and promoters have taken a disease that kills thousands of women each year and popularized it to promote their own brands and sell their own products creating profit for themselves, all in the name of breast cancer. To suggest that with a “joke” is so outrageous and offensive! Humor is no way to make a socioculturally condemning statement about businesses and corporations, especially when it is about breast cancer...and from people who don’t even have breasts...[except for the fat one, it looked like he did]. Who does that, besides Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, the Simpsons, South Park, Family Guy, Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, John Oliver,  George Carlin, Jason Jones, Tina Fey, Seth Meyers, Lewis Black, David Cross, and maybe a few other people and shows that nobody watches or has probably even ever heard of- but besides them, who does that?). THEY MADE FUN OF HOW ATTACKING A PREGNANT WOMAN PHYSICALLY WOULD COUNT AS PUNCHING 2 PEOPLE AT THE SAME TIME BECAUSE OF THE BABY (So I can’t say they are wrong since I realize there is already A LOT of precedent from state and federal court rulings handed down on multiple cases substantiating the argument that punching a pregnant woman WOULD be, legally, an attack on two individuals, but since when did making outrageous, ridiculous statements count as humor in the first place? What’s next? People making jokes about sex and drug abuse? Not likely. These “comedians” know less about comedy than rocket scientists know about brain surgery). THEY JOKED ABOUT THE SARAH MCLACHLAN ANIMAL SHELTER COMMERCIALS BY SAYING THAT PEOPLE SHOULD JUST EAT CATS AND DOGS TO FIGHT STARVATION (feeding animals that nobody wants  to people who are dying of starvation is a ridiculous proposed solution because Sarah McLachlan loves cats and dogs...and who, in the whole wide world, would ever even consider killiing and eating something that Sarah McLachlan loves?) . THEY JOKED ABOUT ASIAN PEOPLE (who LOVE Sarah McLachlan, by the way, and would never eat a cat or a dog) WRECKING THE NASCAR RACES BECAUSE OF THEIR POOR DRIVING SKILLS (...and how that would make NASCAR actually not boring to watch...but I shouldn't even be surprised at this point, that “comedians” that would readily disparage Hitler and white supremacists, would also show no hesitation at dragging NASCAR through their comedy doo-doo slime by suggesting that allowing Asians to participate by doing something they do poorly would still dramatically improve NASCAR),  THEY USED THE "N" WORD TO ILLUSTRATE THAT INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE CRACKER BARREL RESTAURANT, PEOPLE COULD GO TO THE "N***** BUCKET"!! (Why he didnt say "instead of Hooters, people could go eat at Ballsack restaurant" is a mystery to me, because it's the same joke but is not offensive at all AND opens the door for an awesome follow up teabag joke that isn’t going to offend or upset anybody) THIS WAS LIKE A RACIST CRAPFEST ( I have been to several racist crapfests and this was DEFINITELY like them except that it wasn’t racist and not quite up to the caliber you would expect to be invited to an official Crap Festival)  AND THEY CALLED IT COMEDY (...the whole time I was there laughing, BUT it was because of a non-racist joke my friend had told me earlier in the day that I happened to be thinking of for the ENTIRE show.  It was about this guy who beat his wife because she wouldn’t make his sandwiches right or have them ready when he thought about maybe wanting a sandwich...I can’t remember it exactly, but it was SO funny!). THIS WAS THE FIRST AND LAST TIME I ATTEND THIS HORRIBLE, RACIST THEATRE, (I’m not sure what this has to do with the rest of the review.  I saw the show, This Horrible, Racist Theatre while it was playing off Broadway in New York and, though I agree with everything else in this review, this is the exception because I WOULD attend another showing of This Horrible, Racist Theatre if it came to Utah, especially if they put it on at the Logan Arthouse) I HOPE THEY GO OUT OF BUSINESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Me Too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Friday, January 13, 2012

Oral "Report" Tips (a.k.a. Quotations Marks Are Dirty)

After reading their tips on giving "oral reports" (Oh, I get it) on the oral report tips website I realized they had made some grammatical errors. No need to worry though, I've taken care of it.

Oral "Report" Tips:

  • Research the topic (you can start on the internet).
  • "Practice" in front of a mirror.
  • "Practice" in front of a friend or family member.
  • Select the appropriate attire for giving the oral "report."
  • Give the oral "report" with "your notes" in hand.
  • Do "practice" in front of people.
  • Do "practice" in front of a mirror so that you can see what you look like.
  • Do make eye contact with some people "in the audience."
  • Do not spend the entire oral "report" staring at "your notes."
You know what I mean...

Friday, January 6, 2012

The First Chapter

mushroom-cloud rideTITLE

Chapter 1


To be continued…(but even if it wasn’t, the take-away lesson that terrorist sponsored events are dangerous to children is still a good one so you really shouldn’t be complaining).

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