Thursday, June 27, 2013

Maybe a Game

My cousin Willie (a.k.a. Will, Wilderness, 4 Will Drive, Will-barrow, etc.) was eight when he moved into my room.

It was an adjustment for both of us.

Wilderness had come to live with us after years of neglect and abuse, and since my brother had recently moved to Brazil, there just so happened to be a vacancy in the bottom bunk of the bunk bed in my bedroom, so Will and I became roommates.

As a roommate, I found Will's behavior…um...
wild and unpredictable (thus the nickname, Wilderness). Initially his behavior was attributed to the very difficult circumstances he had been obligated to live in the first eight years of his life, however, time would later reveal there was more to the story of his behavior issues than just an unending series of hard knocks early on in life. Several years after coming to live with our family Will would be diagnosed with severe Asperger's (a disorder on the autism spectrum with varying degrees of severity. i.e. Temple Grandin has Asperger's and is doing ok.  Will, not so much), but at the time we were "blissfully" ignorant of that fact and how to deal with it.

I had some frustrations with Will.
talkingtowilderness copyWill had his frustrations with me as well.  Although only eight, Will was a voracious reader and at that time, neck deep in Harry Potter.  He ate, slept, and drank Harry Potter and DID NOT approve of his new roommate's Harry Potter ignorance.  This led to a discussion where he emphatically stated it was an absolute necessity I read Harry Potter. I, somewhat less emphatically, rebutted with my belief it probably wasn't as imperative as he was suggesting.  I'm not sure if it was my stance on the matter, or my lack of passion regarding all things Harry Potter, but either way, those familiar with Asperger's can probably predict the outcome of that discussion.

mushroom cloud wilderness copy

Stuff got broken.

callyouwilderness copy

Several days later, after the dust had settled, Will and I were in our room with a pile of tools and lumber that I would be using to repair some recently destroyed bookshelves (Harry Potter nuclear meltdown fall out victims).  Will was very eager to help because the floor was no place for Harry Potter books, in his opinion.  I believe he also understood the destruction of bookshelves had been counter-productive in achieving his goal of sharing a room with someone well versed in the works of J.K. Rowling.

In light of the outcome of our recent disagreement regarding whether it was acceptable to have not read Harry Potter, I wasn't overly anxious to categorically refuse his help, plus I think he felt bad about the whole incident and was wanting to make peace.  Seeing this, my mom had stepped in, attempting to intervene.

"Will, would you like to come into the living room and play a game with me while Spence works on the shelves?"

"No, I need to help him fix the shelves because my Harry Potter books can't be on the floor."

"Well, you could come play a game, and then when the shelves are done, put your books back."

"No, I'm going to help fix the shelves so I can make sure my books will still fit."

"Well, if you change your mind, we would love to play a game with you out here," my mom offered as she walked into the living room and began setting up a game with my little sister.

Will was not persuaded, however, and after a few minutes of watching me assemble the shelves, felt he was ready to participate.  Will picked up a hammer and began hammering.

Despite his best intentions, Will's hammering produced results very similar results to the original incident responsible for the shelve's destruction.  Wilderness looked down at the newly broken bookshelf panels for a moment, glanced up at me to see if I had noticed, then back down at the broken shelves.

I pretended I hadn't noticed.

"Uh," Will paused, still looking down "maybe a game."   He lingered there a moment longer then, without another word set down the hammer, stood up and walked out to go play a game. 

To this day my family (including Will, of course- I shouldn't even need to say it) and I can often be heard saying "maybe a game."  It is our favorite saying, because, it turns out, in life there is no shortage of situations where, despite our best efforts, we cannot fix, or make better, or even control the things that are happening around us.

Grandma getting mad at you because you're confusing her as you try to help her set up a Facebook account...(sigh)...
Maybe a game.

"Fixing" the broken floor tile in the kitchen because that YouTube video totally explained how to do it and now you have 3 broken floor tiles...yeah...
Maybe a game.

That lady with the blog that says she loves her kids so much because they're the best kids in the world is coming over and so you told your kids to not act crazy so she wouldn't write a passive aggressive blog post about "a certain acquaintance's wild kids who are in desperate need of some real parenting"...ha ha...and now there is NO chance your kids won't act crazy. None.
Maybe a game!
Seriously, why are you even reading her blog?  You know her boobs are fake, right? Her kids wore matching polo shirts to stand at her booth  at a cupcake convention with their stupid faux-hawks because she "JuSt LoVeS tHeM SOOOOOOOO much (cupcakes ;) kids too. LOL!!! I'm so blessed!)."  What part of that interests you?  Seriously-  Maybe a game

When myself or my friends or family find ourselves in those situations we can do nothing about, and especially when we're obviously making things worse, we say it, "Maybe a game" and then go do something else.
Ideally something fun a game.
We can always play a game.

So can you.

That’s what Will does
and he’s a pretty smart guy-  He read Harry Potter when he was 8, for crying loud.

like If Bears Could Type on Facebook and in 3 days time you'll be able to speak a foreign language to your friends. They'll be so impressed. If Bears Could Type Facebook page

Monday, June 17, 2013

Keep the Government Spies (i.e. NSA) Out of Your Father's Day (which they think is over, but that is fine because that’s exactly what we want them to think)

this is only for people who think the government is spying on them and, specifically, on the contents of their Father's Day card.  If you do not think this then you are not a crazy person.  Even if the gov. IS spying on you, the fact  you didn't think they were means you are not crazy (probably), though it is possible the government has violated your trust.
Unless you're a terrorist.
If you are a terrorist, please don't read this because I don't want to be associated with terrorists because I'm a lover not a fighter and terrorists are not getting babes, I guarantee you that.  
Dad's ARE getting Father's Day cards thanks to this post, however, so keep that in mind as you skip to some better posts than this one.  All I'm trying to say here is I made my dad a wacky father's day card with a theme suggesting he and I were under government surveillance   It seemed funny and clever at the time.  I'll let you be the judge of whether I achieved my funny/clever objective.

Chances are, if you are reading this you are already under the watchful eye of big brother and are wondering, "How can I let my dad know I'm aware of what day it is/was recently (Father's day) and that I think he's great without the government learning what my intentions are?"

That's a great question!  I'm glad you asked. 

To keep the government off your trail and out of your Father's day cards you are going to need to throw them a curve ball right away.  The best way to do that is by being a day or so late with your Father's day card.  The NSA (National Security Agency, the government agency who has been kind of spy-ey lately) will never see that coming and right away you move the advantage over to your corner.
If you are reading this on the Tuesday or Wednesday after Father's day, congratulations, because you are right on schedule if you want to stay off Big Brother's radar.

The next step is the card itself.  You are not going to be able to use a card from the store.  Big brother will be expecting that.  Also, you are most likely going to have a very hard time finding a card due to all the Doofy Dougs and Silly Sallys that are letting the gov. watch their every predictable move by getting a card BEFORE father's day at a store.  HUGE MISTAKE!
You are going to want to make your card the old fashioned anti-establishment way: LETTER COLLAGE. So get your scissors, magazines, and glue and get ready to make your dad feel special and express your discontent with the government WITHOUT raising any red flags over at the NSA.

For the front of your card you are going to want to go with a strong, direct message that says you are not going to let the government intimidate you and force you into becoming part of their master plan to monitor and control our every move, but with a subtext that coveys the message: "Dad, you have been an example of hard work and determination to me and I'm very grateful to you and wanted to say thanks and I love you."
The front of the following Father's day card is an extremely effective example of what I just mentioned:

There really is no better way to say "Gov. control? NO! Happy Father's Day, Dad?  YES!" on the front of your Gov.-snoop-proof Father's Day card than this.

Inside your card you will want to continue the message from the front of your card by outlining some of the subversive actions you plan to take against the government in order to demonstrate they're no match for the likes of you and will soon crumble and be trampled under the feet of the people who remember why this country was founded in the first place, while also expressing to your Father the sentiment "I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you for all you have taught me and done for me.  Happy Father's Day."  Consider the following example:

At this point I just want to re-emphasize the importance of protecting your identity from the snooping eyes of big brother by using only fun looking letters you have cut out from magazines and glued onto a paper with a glue stick. 

Now we get to the other half of the inside of the card where you would normally sign off by identifying yourself and leaving your signature so it can get intercepted by the NSA to analyze and reproduce on any document they wish (i.e. a document bearing your signature stating you knowingly and willingly signed it with a full knowledge that by doing so you were giving the government permission to watch you go number 2  in the bathroom as well as use your Netflix account on up to 3 of their computers).  You DO NOT want to let this happen in the event they intercept your card so it is critical you encrypt your identity by using a code name. 

Because of the sensitivity of the information it is also important you provide clear instructions on what should be done with the card once they have committed your card to memory.  Remember, although not always possible, If you can shield your father from knowing your exact identity you not only protect yourself, but him as well in the event he was compromised because he uses passwords that are, well...classic dad (i.e. "password"), or he still uses a cell phone to text and make calls (if that is the case, you could be seriously screwed if you are  not careful).  I find it is also helpful to remind them "big brother is always watching" so they'll think "I thought he'd forgotten it was Father's day several days ago but now I realize he hadn't forgotten at all.  On the contrary.  Not only had he not forgotten Father's day, he had also not forgotten about Big Brother's all seeing eye.  I really did something right with this child I raised, probably.  I'm pretty sure this is a child I raised, though not 100% because he is protecting me from knowing his exact identity just in case.  What a great kid I have!" 

Please feel free to reference the following example as often as needed:  
Wondering who CHILD ALPHA S1 is?  I bet you are.  Ha.  Nice try, NSA.  You may have got me Mother's day 2011 with that little trick but you won't get me this time!  You forgot the old adage: "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, well, you can't fool me again."  Stings, doesn't it?

Think you're done now? 
Hold up a minute, little buckaroo. 

You forgot the back of the card. 

It's always important to put some information on the back so the government knows how serious you are if your card falls into the wrong hands (government hands...except for postal workers.  It's ok if it ends up in their hands because it is only there for a few hours while they deliver it and as long as you remember to put it in an envelope they won't even see what it is.  Mailing your card is actually a pretty good option if you don't hand deliver it yourself at an undisclosed time and location.  If you do mail it, make sure you write messages on the outside of the envelope saying things like "nothing NSA would want to see in here so don't even worry about it" and "pictures of kittens and ponies and not anything else.").  The back of the card is a great place to re-emphasize the importance of constant vigilance and also the importance of really having a happy, fun, relaxing, and enjoyable Father's day and also that there is more information frozen in a block of ice in the freezer.  At this point I do need to stress the importance of having more secret, not-for-government-eyes information frozen in a block of ice in the freezer or maybe a tie and some socks frozen in a block of ice in the freezer (as long as there is something for your dad frozen in a block of ice in the freezer).
Feel free to review this prime example as many times as necessary:

Make sure you don't tell him to check the freezer if  you haven't frozen anything for him in a block of ice and left it in the freezer.  If you didn't leave anything and he goes to the freezer and thinks your gift to him is 8 month old freezer burned high school marching band fundraiser hamburger patties, he may not be as excited as he would be for a new silk tie submerged and frozen into a block of ice.  Trust me on this one.

OH NO!  The NSA intercepted my father's day card! Now what do I do?

This government agent thinks he's got you because he somehow intercepted the card you made for your dad for Father's Day.  
Here, in this picture he’s saying, "I'm a government agent assigned to monitor you and I've got the Father's Day card you made.  Looks like we'll be watching you go number 2 in no time!

Don't worry.
If you have properly assembled your card, when that snoopy government agent gets his hands on it he'll see the front of the card which appears normal,


At this point he’s thinking “Hmmmm.  This looks normal enough.  Now let’s see what was so secret he had to put it inside the card.”

but when he opens it he’ll discover it is has been encoded and can no longer be read left to right and top to bottom.  In fact, he’ll not be able to read it all because IT’S (upside down) not designed to be read unless you know how to configure it.


Now he’s looking at it and he’s thinking...


“...what the hell?  Are you kidding me? I will never be able to decipher this.  DAMMIT!”

For some reason he has lotion on the table. 
Why does he have lotion on the table?
Hey. What’s the lotion for?  


If you set your card up correctly no government snoop is going to be getting the inside line on your anti-government activity or your feelings for your dad on Father’s day.


As you can see, at this point he knows he’s beat.

Also, it looks like he used the lotion. 
Classic government employee.   
I guess it just goes to show it’s true what they say:

Give a man a fish=feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish=bored*
Give a man a government job and a computer=porn

*Fishing is pretty boring

That’s pretty much it from me, but I think I am going to see how this whole Agent Softhands thing plays out.  Please feel free to stick around and do the same.


Looks like he is not happy about this situation.
Ha ha. 
Look at him getting all pissed. 
What a tool.
Yeah, he’s definitely not happy.

You know who is/will be happy though?

Your father.

Ha ha. Look at him.  He's getting lotion in his hair, I bet.  
Serves him right.


Ha ha! Now look at him.  He’s SUPER pissed!  
Looks like he’s yelling “Curse you, secret undecipherable, untraceable Father’s Day card!!!” while waving his soft, lotioned fists around.

Sorry, The Government.  Nobody watches me go number two.  Nobody. 

One thing I will say for this guy, he wears a pretty nice shirt.

There you have it.
All the information you need to wish your dad a happy father’s day AND keep the government out of your business, PLUS definitive photographic proof of my cards effectiveness if through some unfortunate circumstance it happens to fall into the wrong, very well lotioned, government hands.

Happy government-monitoring-proof Father’s day everybody (they thought we would do it on Sunday when they said to...and that was their first mistake).

Now go complete your mission-
Your Father’s Day/anti establishment buddy-
codename:  CHILD ALPHA S1

me on a recent fishing trip:

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Quadski Lightning Adventure with Johnny Blew

Author's note, July 1, 2013:  I really enjoyed my "hilarious" voice overs on this cheesy promotional video.  I would like to think the 9 people who have viewed this post up to this point also enjoyed them.  That is all. Thanks for your time.

Have you ever come across one of those promotional amphibious ATV videos and thought "This is pretty great, but there is more to this.  Something is still missing," and then realized the thing that was missing was, well, I don't know what else to say except that it is with great pleasure I present to you the Quadski Lightning Adventure series?  If you have, then you know exactly what I'm talking about when I say that it is with great pleasure I present to you the Quadski Lightning Adventure series-

Here is part 1:

And here is the exciting conclusion (part 2):

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