Monday, June 17, 2013

Keep the Government Spies (i.e. NSA) Out of Your Father's Day (which they think is over, but that is fine because that’s exactly what we want them to think)

this is only for people who think the government is spying on them and, specifically, on the contents of their Father's Day card.  If you do not think this then you are not a crazy person.  Even if the gov. IS spying on you, the fact  you didn't think they were means you are not crazy (probably), though it is possible the government has violated your trust.
Unless you're a terrorist.
If you are a terrorist, please don't read this because I don't want to be associated with terrorists because I'm a lover not a fighter and terrorists are not getting babes, I guarantee you that.  
Dad's ARE getting Father's Day cards thanks to this post, however, so keep that in mind as you skip to some better posts than this one.  All I'm trying to say here is I made my dad a wacky father's day card with a theme suggesting he and I were under government surveillance   It seemed funny and clever at the time.  I'll let you be the judge of whether I achieved my funny/clever objective.

Chances are, if you are reading this you are already under the watchful eye of big brother and are wondering, "How can I let my dad know I'm aware of what day it is/was recently (Father's day) and that I think he's great without the government learning what my intentions are?"

That's a great question!  I'm glad you asked. 

To keep the government off your trail and out of your Father's day cards you are going to need to throw them a curve ball right away.  The best way to do that is by being a day or so late with your Father's day card.  The NSA (National Security Agency, the government agency who has been kind of spy-ey lately) will never see that coming and right away you move the advantage over to your corner.
If you are reading this on the Tuesday or Wednesday after Father's day, congratulations, because you are right on schedule if you want to stay off Big Brother's radar.

The next step is the card itself.  You are not going to be able to use a card from the store.  Big brother will be expecting that.  Also, you are most likely going to have a very hard time finding a card due to all the Doofy Dougs and Silly Sallys that are letting the gov. watch their every predictable move by getting a card BEFORE father's day at a store.  HUGE MISTAKE!
You are going to want to make your card the old fashioned anti-establishment way: LETTER COLLAGE. So get your scissors, magazines, and glue and get ready to make your dad feel special and express your discontent with the government WITHOUT raising any red flags over at the NSA.

For the front of your card you are going to want to go with a strong, direct message that says you are not going to let the government intimidate you and force you into becoming part of their master plan to monitor and control our every move, but with a subtext that coveys the message: "Dad, you have been an example of hard work and determination to me and I'm very grateful to you and wanted to say thanks and I love you."
The front of the following Father's day card is an extremely effective example of what I just mentioned:

There really is no better way to say "Gov. control? NO! Happy Father's Day, Dad?  YES!" on the front of your Gov.-snoop-proof Father's Day card than this.

Inside your card you will want to continue the message from the front of your card by outlining some of the subversive actions you plan to take against the government in order to demonstrate they're no match for the likes of you and will soon crumble and be trampled under the feet of the people who remember why this country was founded in the first place, while also expressing to your Father the sentiment "I don't know how I will ever be able to repay you for all you have taught me and done for me.  Happy Father's Day."  Consider the following example:

At this point I just want to re-emphasize the importance of protecting your identity from the snooping eyes of big brother by using only fun looking letters you have cut out from magazines and glued onto a paper with a glue stick. 

Now we get to the other half of the inside of the card where you would normally sign off by identifying yourself and leaving your signature so it can get intercepted by the NSA to analyze and reproduce on any document they wish (i.e. a document bearing your signature stating you knowingly and willingly signed it with a full knowledge that by doing so you were giving the government permission to watch you go number 2  in the bathroom as well as use your Netflix account on up to 3 of their computers).  You DO NOT want to let this happen in the event they intercept your card so it is critical you encrypt your identity by using a code name. 

Because of the sensitivity of the information it is also important you provide clear instructions on what should be done with the card once they have committed your card to memory.  Remember, although not always possible, If you can shield your father from knowing your exact identity you not only protect yourself, but him as well in the event he was compromised because he uses passwords that are, well...classic dad (i.e. "password"), or he still uses a cell phone to text and make calls (if that is the case, you could be seriously screwed if you are  not careful).  I find it is also helpful to remind them "big brother is always watching" so they'll think "I thought he'd forgotten it was Father's day several days ago but now I realize he hadn't forgotten at all.  On the contrary.  Not only had he not forgotten Father's day, he had also not forgotten about Big Brother's all seeing eye.  I really did something right with this child I raised, probably.  I'm pretty sure this is a child I raised, though not 100% because he is protecting me from knowing his exact identity just in case.  What a great kid I have!" 

Please feel free to reference the following example as often as needed:  
Wondering who CHILD ALPHA S1 is?  I bet you are.  Ha.  Nice try, NSA.  You may have got me Mother's day 2011 with that little trick but you won't get me this time!  You forgot the old adage: "Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, well, you can't fool me again."  Stings, doesn't it?

Think you're done now? 
Hold up a minute, little buckaroo. 

You forgot the back of the card. 

It's always important to put some information on the back so the government knows how serious you are if your card falls into the wrong hands (government hands...except for postal workers.  It's ok if it ends up in their hands because it is only there for a few hours while they deliver it and as long as you remember to put it in an envelope they won't even see what it is.  Mailing your card is actually a pretty good option if you don't hand deliver it yourself at an undisclosed time and location.  If you do mail it, make sure you write messages on the outside of the envelope saying things like "nothing NSA would want to see in here so don't even worry about it" and "pictures of kittens and ponies and not anything else.").  The back of the card is a great place to re-emphasize the importance of constant vigilance and also the importance of really having a happy, fun, relaxing, and enjoyable Father's day and also that there is more information frozen in a block of ice in the freezer.  At this point I do need to stress the importance of having more secret, not-for-government-eyes information frozen in a block of ice in the freezer or maybe a tie and some socks frozen in a block of ice in the freezer (as long as there is something for your dad frozen in a block of ice in the freezer).
Feel free to review this prime example as many times as necessary:

Make sure you don't tell him to check the freezer if  you haven't frozen anything for him in a block of ice and left it in the freezer.  If you didn't leave anything and he goes to the freezer and thinks your gift to him is 8 month old freezer burned high school marching band fundraiser hamburger patties, he may not be as excited as he would be for a new silk tie submerged and frozen into a block of ice.  Trust me on this one.

OH NO!  The NSA intercepted my father's day card! Now what do I do?

This government agent thinks he's got you because he somehow intercepted the card you made for your dad for Father's Day.  
Here, in this picture he’s saying, "I'm a government agent assigned to monitor you and I've got the Father's Day card you made.  Looks like we'll be watching you go number 2 in no time!

Don't worry.
If you have properly assembled your card, when that snoopy government agent gets his hands on it he'll see the front of the card which appears normal,


At this point he’s thinking “Hmmmm.  This looks normal enough.  Now let’s see what was so secret he had to put it inside the card.”

but when he opens it he’ll discover it is has been encoded and can no longer be read left to right and top to bottom.  In fact, he’ll not be able to read it all because IT’S (upside down) not designed to be read unless you know how to configure it.


Now he’s looking at it and he’s thinking...


“...what the hell?  Are you kidding me? I will never be able to decipher this.  DAMMIT!”

For some reason he has lotion on the table. 
Why does he have lotion on the table?
Hey. What’s the lotion for?  


If you set your card up correctly no government snoop is going to be getting the inside line on your anti-government activity or your feelings for your dad on Father’s day.


As you can see, at this point he knows he’s beat.

Also, it looks like he used the lotion. 
Classic government employee.   
I guess it just goes to show it’s true what they say:

Give a man a fish=feed him for a day
Teach a man to fish=bored*
Give a man a government job and a computer=porn

*Fishing is pretty boring

That’s pretty much it from me, but I think I am going to see how this whole Agent Softhands thing plays out.  Please feel free to stick around and do the same.


Looks like he is not happy about this situation.
Ha ha. 
Look at him getting all pissed. 
What a tool.
Yeah, he’s definitely not happy.

You know who is/will be happy though?

Your father.

Ha ha. Look at him.  He's getting lotion in his hair, I bet.  
Serves him right.


Ha ha! Now look at him.  He’s SUPER pissed!  
Looks like he’s yelling “Curse you, secret undecipherable, untraceable Father’s Day card!!!” while waving his soft, lotioned fists around.

Sorry, The Government.  Nobody watches me go number two.  Nobody. 

One thing I will say for this guy, he wears a pretty nice shirt.

There you have it.
All the information you need to wish your dad a happy father’s day AND keep the government out of your business, PLUS definitive photographic proof of my cards effectiveness if through some unfortunate circumstance it happens to fall into the wrong, very well lotioned, government hands.

Happy government-monitoring-proof Father’s day everybody (they thought we would do it on Sunday when they said to...and that was their first mistake).

Now go complete your mission-
Your Father’s Day/anti establishment buddy-
codename:  CHILD ALPHA S1

me on a recent fishing trip:

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