Sunday, July 7, 2013

Why People Are Crying At Church #YUCryingatChurch also a little bit of #mormonstuff: a Guide to Make Twitter EVEN MORE FUN for you!

The latest twitter hashtag sensation that 6-8 people just can't seem to get enough of is #YUCryingatChurch. The tweets associated with the #YUCryingatChurch hashtag detail the varied reasons people are standing before their congregation (actually, it's a'll see in a minute) crying over the subject matter they've chosen to share with everyone (Jesus's love for them, their love for Disneyland, a city with no hot dogs- you'll see).

Please sit back and make yourself comfortable while you enjoy the #YUCryingatChurch tweets from Sunday, July 7th, complete with...

additional explanations and commentary from the author right justified in a smaller font and italics

11:33 via HootSuite
Sometimes people cry at church for reasons't quite clear or reasons that are stupid. When that happens: #YUCryingatChurch

(fasten your seat belts for a second because the following is what I like to refer to as #mormonstuff. It's not preachy or self righteous or angry, it's just filling you in so you'll be able to further appreciate #YUCryingatChurch) 
This happens at most churches to a certain extent; however, we Mormons like to take it to a whole other level at our monthly Fast & Testimony meetings.  
The Fast and Testimony nomenclature is derived from the act of fasting prior to the meeting (abstaining from food) and then "bearing your testimony" (your testimony being your belief in Jesus, his teachings, Mormon stuff, blah, blah, blah, you get the idea) at the testimony meeting where the whole ward (congregation) is gathered together.  If you're thinking "that sounds like a free pass for self-righteous blogger moms/photography business proprietors, crazy people, and/or Glen Beck*  to  sound off to a captive audience" you are very perceptive, although that was not the originally intended purpose.  It was intended to be an opportunity to express their love for and belief in Jesus and his teachings but that isn't really a subject that interests a lot of church goers these days so it has now been transformed into this bizarre perfect storm for people to go up and, as best as I can tell, intentionally cry in front of hundreds of people while recounting the experience of their bi-annual trip to Disneyland with their family in order for people to see what a good person they are and hopefully vote for them for 
Bishop** or Relief Society President***.

*Oh yeah! He's totally Mormon, which explains all the inexplicable crying over things like how sad it makes him that people eat hot dogs.
**The Bishop is the guy in charge of the ward (the congregation)  
***The relief society president is the lady in charge of organizing the lady stuff for all the ladies of the ward (usually MORE testimony meetings JUST FOR LADIES, but there is also crafts and special "how to spy on your husband so you can catch him looking at porn" classes- sometimes, if there is extra time after the aforementioned activities, they will do stuff for the sick and needy as well, but it's mostly the additional testimony meetings and their husband's porn preferences). 
 Neither the Bishop or the Relief Society president are elected.  They are simply asked by  other people if they would be willing to do it, which is what makes the campaign-like speeches and behavior of many of my fellow church -going Mormons so puzzling.  I realize these people enjoy the  "they are such a good person and spiritual leader" notoriety  that comes with the  completely volunteer/unpaid position  but I am reluctant to point it out as there are plenty of good ol' salt of the earth people who do their time, serve their fellow man , and then get on with their lives without really bothering to mention to every single person they encounter ever for the rest of their lives.

11:38 via HootSuite
Has friend who went overseas
Now she can't watch fireworks (???)
They're loud
We all need to make sacrifices #YUCryingatChurch

11:42 via HootSuite
Went on trek ( #mormonstuff )
It was great
Doesn't really like camping though
LOVES 4th of July #YUCryingatChurch

BTW, "trek" is the Mormon colloquial term used in referencing the ubiquitous "Mormon pioneer trek" many of the church teenage youth are coerced into participating in.  I will leave my subjective biases out of this, but objectively, they are irrational and stupid.  Essentially, the trek is a group of youth from the ward or possibly the stake (a collection of wards-  5 or 6 wards typically make up a stake) along with some adults who go up to Wyoming (the ugly part, so NOT Jackson or Yellowstone) and walk around in pioneer-ey clothes as they kind of retrace the path of the Mormon pioneers who came to Utah in the late 1840's while also taking turns pulling handcarts for very abbreviated times and distances (compared to the actual paths they are hypothetically retracing) over shitty Wyoming.  This is supposed to illustrate to the kids that walking and pulling a handcart full of stuff is harder than driving down a paved road in a car full of stuff. Mormon youth are apparently so mind-numbingly stupid they could never deduce that on their own sitting in the back of a car cruising down I-70 on their way to Disneyland while playing their iPad 
(Mormons LOVE Disneyland. They LOVE it SO much*.  Many teenage kids only go on treks after being promised
 a trip to Disneyland-
and probably an iPad).

*Why all the Disneyland love? Well, the reasons aren't entirely clear, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with BYU and the refusal by Mormon culture to acknowledge the existence of things like the penis, the vagina, where babies come from,  and the rampant Prozac, Xanax, and Valium use present throughout the Wasatch Front by Mormon mommy blogger/photography business mommy bloggers. 

11:52 via HootSuite
Mom whispering something to child
Child also whispering
Child looks uncomfortable
Looks at mom, says "stop crying" #YUCryingatChurch

Ok. One last thing- at these Mormon fast and testimony meetings it is not uncommon to see a parent walk up to the podium with their barely-talking toddler and proceed to whisper what I refer to as the "testimony template"* into their child's ear with the hope their toddler will repeat it into the microphone.  
If you're thinking "WHAT?!? WHY?!? That is weird and creepy and is rather confusing since you have been emphatically stating you Mormons are not a cult and don't brainwash your members, but what you just described sounds an awful lot like a cult-like public brainwashing ceremony. Why would you have tiny kids do- uh, that? Seriously, WHAT THE HELL?!?" that's ok, because this is a crazy, CRAZY thing that people do in what seems to be an attempt to earn my vote  for their campaign to become #1 Mormon volunteer (Bishop/Relief Society president) even though it's not a democratically chosen position.  
My best guess here is that in the pretend elections I assume to be ongoing in their mind, they believe the voters want to see a little two year old talk about how much they love Jesus and reading the scriptures even though the kid can not correctly say the word "Jesus" or "scriptures," and doesn't know how to read.  In fact, the closest their toddler ever gets to any spontaneous religious conversation is excitedly screaming "Jee-jiz" any time he sees a person with a beard, long hair, or who appears to be addicted to heroin and homeless. I can only assume the shaking of heads and the disturbed look on mine and others faces in the congregation are being interpreted by this toddler's parent as a "you can count on my vote" nod of approval; otherwise, they would immediately  publicly apologizing for what they now realize was an egregious lapse in judgement.  They would then clearly state they hadn't intended, through their actions, to convey the notion they support a ritual, public, cult style brainwashing of their small child (brainwash your children in the privacy of your own home like they rest of us normal Mormons, you freak. Sheesh!)

*The "testimony template": I'd like to bear my testimony. I know the church is true. I love Jesus. I love my mom and dad. Please vote for them for Bishop and Relief Society president..

11:54 via HootSuite
Trek ( #mormonstuff ) was amazing
Most people wouldn't do what they did nowadays
(cuz roads & cars?)
Now knows real pain #YUCryingatChurch

11:59 via HootSuite
Loves America
Loves the 4th
Loves Jesus
Most people don't, especially our political leaders
But he does
He does #YUCryingatChurch

12:03 via HootSuite
Couldn't go on trek but took family to "favorite place" in CA
Grateful to live in country "with places like that" (1/2) #YUCryingatChurch

the "favorite place" is Disneyland. 
Stupid, shitty, people-of-walmarts-#1-favorite-vacation-destination Disneyland.

12:03 via HootSuite
(2/2) Can't wait for kids to leave on missions
(hates kids?)
"Going to places like that are real tender mercy for his fam" #YUCryingatChurch

"places like that" is Disneyland again.  

12:07 via HootSuite
"Promised myself I wouldn't cry"
(now crying)
Was reminded of time w/ HER fam at D-land. Is wonderful place
Loves family #YUCryingatChurch

D-land=Disneyland, FYI

12:12 via HootSuite
This #YUCryingatChurch was brought to you by Disneyland (apparently) and Mormon treks (#mormonstuff ). I hope you enjoyed it and also cried

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