Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Multiple Choice Title Selection (choose one): a) Time Flies When You're Wasting Time b) Angels With Sawdust c) Pace Picante Sauce New Marketing Campaign d) A Gluten Free Recipe Your Child With Autism is Going to Love

Sorry.  I didn't see you there because I've been staring down at my phone playing Clash of Clans nonstop for the last 14 months (or however long it has been since my last post).  I guess I did do a couple other things as well, but mostly I was sitting in the bathroom playing Clash of Clans.
I can't feel my legs.
At all.
If I were attacked by a ferocious, but very slow moving man and/or bear eating dragon, I'd be dead meat because all I would be able to do is pull myself across the ground with my hands.  Hands? Ha. Who am I kidding? With my hand.  The other hand would still be playing Clash of Clans.  Little babies who just learned to crawl and people who could only walk with the assistance of those walkers with tennis balls on them, they'd be fine.  Pre-schools and nursing homes would be unaffected by this  dragon because, as I mentioned earlier, he's not quick.  His pray would be people like me.  People with dead, useless bathroom phone legs and only one available hand to try drag themselves across the bathroom tile with in a futile attempt at escape.

I've decided I'm ready to start feeling my legs again so I can be prepared in the event of a slow dragon attack and also to spend more time in other rooms of the house or even outside maybe. We'll see. I'm done with smartphones though. That's for sure. I think I was addicted to smart phones- specifically Clash of Clans and getting likes on Facebook statuses.  If I had of continued down the road I was heading I could easily see myself on the street in some beat up old wheelchair begging all the passers by, "Please, could you spare a few likes on my last facebook status.  Please.  I need it so badly.  Please.  I have bathroom phone legs.  I sat on the toilet for too long.  I 've learned my lesson though.  Anything helps."  Maybe some exceptionally generous person would come along, like the status and then decide to share it as well. I'd probably break into pathetic sobs.  "Thank you.  God bless you ma'am.  God bless you!"  (It would be a girl.  They are good people- those ladies).  That's not where I want to be in five years- relying on the good will of  women who are far kinder than they are choosey about the facebook statuses they like and share.  I knew I had to make a change.

Anyways, now that I'm all done with smartphones I'm learning to walk again. I'd forgotten how to read so I'm learning to do that again as well.  Also, some things did happen yesterday that I decided I wanted to tell somebody about.  I've seen the numbers of people who read these blog posts so I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are 5-7 people who I thought I would like to share the following with:

I was cutting a board with a saw yesterday because that's a thing I've started to do these days- cut boards with saws and then nail them to other boards I also have cut with saws.  I built a table yesterday.  Anyways, I was cutting a board and decided not to use my safety glasses because they weren't already on my face and sometimes I can be a little lazy.  Well, that is a risky, dangerous thing to do, especially if you value your eyesight.  Fortunately for me a higher power was looking out for me and as soon as I started cutting, my eyes were immediatly filled with a protective coat of sawdust so if anything else came flying at my eyes, like say, a bigger piece of sawdust, I would be protected.  After having an experience like that it is hard not to think of the Alabama song that goes something like this:
"Momma couldn't see him,
but I'm sure he was there,
and I knew all that sawdust in my eyes was an answer to my prayers.
Ohhhhhhhh ohhhh. I believe there are
Angels with sawdust
Sent down to us from heaven up above.
They come to you and me
When we're using power [tools]
to coat our eyes with a protective layer of sawdust
so we know they are there
and remember to use protective eyeware."

I love that Alabama song. I can really relate to it and I understand why people like it so much.  I can't listen to it without getting all teared up now.  I'm not ashamed to admit it.
It could be the sawdust I suppose.

Oh, and another thing- To people who say there is no God, if that were true how do you explain all the sawdust I was rinsing out my eyes last night?
Exactly. You can't.
Check and mate, atheists.
Check. And. Mate.

Speaking of songs, if I worked in the Pace picante sauce marketing department right now I would tell the guys in corporate "I need you to get me the rights to that I'm All About That Bass song. The sooner the better."
When they asked "Why, What do you have in mind?" I'd just look at them all sly and say "You'll see.  Just get me the song rights, ok.  And get ready for Pace Picante sauce sales to go off the picante sauce sales CHARTS."


You know because I'm all about that Pace
'bout that Pace
'bout that Pace
Picante sauce.

See what I mean???
It's amazing.
I don't know how I do it. I really don't.
It just comes to me.

Thanks for checking in.

Just in case you aren't familiar with some of the songs and picante sauces mentioned, I've provided this for you:

Click here if you are all about that Pace: Grab the Southwest by the Bottle...because you're all about that Pace

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Why I can't buy Lumber at Lowe's

There's a perfectly good reason I can't get lumber at Lowe's anymore and it's not just because Home Depot's wood is cheaper and straighter right now or that Cantwell Brothers in Smithfield (Utah) has the best quality lumber and is cheaper still IF I can get there before they close at 5:30 pm (not questioning your work ethic here or anything,  Cantwell Brothers, but it does kind of feel like you're throwing in the towel a tad early).

I can't go to Lowe's lumber department anymore because of an incident my brother Grant, my Dad, and I had while buying some wood there. I at least need to wait til I'm sure we won't be recognized if we do ever go back and I'm not certain what that amount of time might be. I do have a theory though.

here's what happened:

Several weeks ago we were climbing up the shelves at Lowe's to get the boards  we needed because the customer service is non existent at that place.
Well, once we started climbing up to the higher reaches of the shelves (they have these giant metal shelves that are probably 40 ft high and house literally tons and tons of lumber. Very sturdy and great for climbimg), "service" people showed up, not to help so much, but to tell us we couldn't climb up the shelves. We told them we had to because we needed the wood that was up there and none of us were 10 feet+ tall. They reiterated that we couldn't then, almost as an afterthought, they asked if we needed some wood from up on the shelves, but in a shitty, I'm-in-charge-because-I'm-the-afternoon-lumber-manager-around-here-on-Tuesdays-and-Thursdays sort of way.
We told them we did. They said OK, they would help us, but made sure we knew they were being inconvenienced by having to tell us not to climb on the shelves, then having to get the wood we had been climbing up the shelves to get, which meant they now had to go get their forklift and little gate thing to close off the aisle, and to go finish making out with each other (or whatever it was they were doing before they decided to come out and play Lowe's Police of Shelf Climbing).
Once they left, we climbed back up and got the rest of the boards we needed, got in line to check out and sat there and watched as they brought their fork lift, rolling gate thing, and some road flares (Jk on the road flares) out and finally got the boards down (taking their own sweet time too, I might add), then looked over at us expectantly, waiting for us to come over I suppose. At that point I decided to mention to the cashier she could tell them we already got the boards we needed and we didn't need them to get them down anymore, but to let them know we had enjoyed watching how they did it because we were wondering if it would be different from how we did it (it was).
That could be perceived as kind of a dick move on our part, I concede that, but as we walked out Grant threw them a friendly wave and I smiled and gave them an enthusiastic two thumbs so they'd know how much we appreciated them.
Unfortunately they did not appear to feel appreciated at the time, like, at all and since I wear only 2 different shirts I'm easy to remember.
My shirts are as memorable as they are beautiful.
And that's why I can't go to Lowe's to get wood anymore.

It would be awkward.

If those guys were there again  it would be.
The awkward risk is too high right now. It's just not worth it in my opinion.

#awkwardrisk #high

How long does a person usually work there?
I'm guessing like 6 months or probably the rest of their lives. One of those two though, right? Seems unlikely there would be anything in between.
Does anybody know?

Friday, January 24, 2014

Did Somebody Lose a Boat? There's A Giant Boat Just Floating Around Outside.


Ha ha.
This kills me. There is a ship worth 1.1 million dollars just out there floating around and people are like "not my problem."
How does that happen?
I'd live on something like that (sans rat infestation) forever.

I want to live in a world where I can cut loose 1.1 million dollars because I'm just done with it.  You know, because It's become kind of a pain in the neck and, whatever--
It's not like I don't have tons of other 1.1 million dollar boats, right?

I'm starting to think there might be an economic gap between people/bears like myself and people who apparently have a lot of big boats.

I can't believe there's only one guy looking for this thing.

Why isn't everybody who doesn't have 1.1 million dollars looking for it?
Is it because some guy said it might have cannibal rats on it?
Are most people really scared of cannibal rats?
Wait- how BIG are cannibal rats? Are they, like, tiger big?
...Bear big?
Holy shit. Are there rats as big as bears in this boat???
What if it was the cannibal rats who cut the tow line? Oh man. That's freaky.

Now I think I get it.

Look, I'm kind of afraid of giant cannibal bear rats, ok?
My dad was killed by those I think.
Or maybe it was hunters. Mom was a little fuzzy with the details when I asked her if I had a dad. You know how moms are.

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