Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Restoring My Faith in Humanity- The 80 MPH Hero

not a reader? the video you're looking for is at the bottom of the page.  Seriously though, you should probably consider reading more.  I know.  I know. "The porn won't watch itself," you're thinking to yourself.  Turns out you don't have to worry about that because  there are already A LOT of people watching it for you right now.  So go ahead, take a break and look at some words.  You'll be glad you did.  Later, maybe we could get together and listen to some Bee Gees? 
You don't have to decide right now.  Take your time.  I understand.

Listening to the news everyday can really get a bear down.  The world is a sad, cruel place where everyone is in it for themselves.  No one shares anymore.  We all sit at home, sad and alone, and wonder why we should even try to keep stayin' alive.
...I listen to the Bee Gees when I'm sad.  
So what? 
Don't be a dick about it.
Remember I'm also a bear.  When bears are sad they listen to the Bee Gees.  If you would stop watching Jersey Shore long enough to take in an hour or two of some quality programming like the documentary Grizzly Man, for example, you would know about a blue bear's love for the Bee Gees.  Also, when bears are feeling blue we like to eat people who are dicks about listening to the Bee Gees when we're feeling a bit like  mister sad-bear.
You see that?  One man spent the last 13 years crossing boundaries...a.k.a. being a dick about depressed bears listening to the Bee Gees.  You want to guess how that worked out for him?

All I'm trying to say here is that sometimes the state of the world gets me depressed and that's when I like to listen to the Bee Gees and eat dicks.   

That's why the simple, selfless act of a young newlywed husband has resonated so profoundly with me.  
When Travis Chambers found himself experiencing one of the most beautiful experiences a human can have, yes, I'm talking about an encounter with a self assured dumb person, he could have just enjoyed it by himself and deprived millions upon millions of people the happiness that comes from pointing a finger and laughing at unbelievable vanity paired with stupidity.
Fortunatley for all of us, this mountain of a man, this modern day hero, chose to press the record button and the upload to youtube button on his camera phone so that we could all laugh at his wife WITH him.  I get goosebumps AND choked up just thinking about the words "I can run one mile in 7 minutes and that's a 10."   It is just so, SO beautiful.  
See for yourself, and don't forget to thank this great man for what he has given us and wish him luck in his quest to end what is certainly going to be a very long streak of involuntary celibacy followed by divorce.  Don't you worry, Travis Chambers, your sacrifice for all of us has not gone unnoticed.  We thank you.  We thank you 2,929,139 times (as of 12:47 p.m. MST Wed. March 21).  I expect we will continue to thank you many, many, MANY more times.

Monday, March 5, 2012

A Prostitute, A Slut, A Lawyer, Some People On Birth Control, A Sex Tape, and Some Homeschoolers...oh yeah, also some "Mormons" and Rush Limbaugh

I wrote this after Rush Limbaugh "jokingly" referred to Sandra Fluke as a slut for advocating birth control coverage by health insurance providers. That Rush Limbaugh is a classy guy. I should know, because I'm also a super classy guy and it takes one to know one I guess.

In an attempt to more deeply connect with the extreme right wing conservative homeschooling crowd it is possible that Rush Limbaugh has, much like homeschooling, severely ostracized himself from every other person in the United States.  

When Rush Limbaugh said that third year Georgetown University law student Sandra Fluke was a “slut” and a “prostitute,” one could argue that he was accurately calling all future lawyers sluts and prostitutes. Rush took it one step further, however, taking a page from the homeschooling book, when he chose to ignore basic social cues and reveal a vast abyss of ignorance by saying  Sandra Fluke wasn’t a slut and prostitute because she wanted to be a lawyer, but because she advocated the use of and coverage for birth control.  Oops.
So here’s the thing.  It’s possible that I may be intimate with...I mean intimately familiar with some individuals with some pretty hard core conservative values that a lot of people would call downright wacky.  Let’s just call this group of people “Mormons” in order to protect their anonymity and prevent people from jumping to any early conclusions.
I’m talking about a group of people who don’t drink coffee, don’t smoke, like to sit in church for hours on end...I mean seriously, it is out of control with these people.  Some might go as far as saying these people are “boring as shit”, “bat-shit crazy”, “mean as shit to gay people” and  “offended by the word shit”  and I would be reluctant to disagree.  Also, they love themselves some Rush Limbaugh...or at least they used to.  

One thing I don’t think you will hear said about these folks I’ve chosen to refer to as “Mormons” is how “slutty” and/or how replete with “prostitutes” their congregations are, despite the fact that they along with millions of other conservative Christians use birth control and contraceptives everyday.  It turns out, married people use birth control that is covered by their insurance because they want to bring children into the world according to plans they have made previously that are conducive to the aforementioned children having a structured, constructive upbringing that allows them to reach their full potential.  It turns out these types of people don’t like being called sluts and prostitutes.  They also don’t like big government, taxes, people that aren’t white, porn, and the list goes on and on...and would now seem to include Rush Limbaugh.
Oh yeah, did I mention they don’t typically publicly advocate watching porn and especially tend to eschew publicly soliciting specific individuals to create it for them, which makes the move he took from the rich, powerful asshole-that-you-don’t-say-no-to playbook interesting.  His follow up statement to only sluts and prostitutes use birth control was as follows: “If we are going to pay for your contraceptives, and thus pay for you to have sex, we want something for it...We want you to  post the videos online so we can all watch.” Now if I’m not mistaken, Rush just called my wife a slut and a prostitute and then demanded that since our insurance covers our birth control that we are expected to post sex videos online so everyone else can watch...This is borderline offensive to me, and I LOVE porn, but remember that extreme group of people we’re referring to as “the Mormons.”  It’s so far over the borderline for them that Spanish is the official spoken language in the offensive category region where his comments landed.
Now, Rush,  when you say post our sex tapes online “so we all can watch ” you mean just the people who are paying into the same coverage plan as my wife and I are, right?  So maybe, Blue Cross should provide a webpage for everyone to post the required sex tapes online so they can keep their birth control coverage?  I like that idea.  I’m a big fan of amateur home made porn.  Here’s the kicker.  My wife is definitely not cool with this plan...and remember those people whom we’ll just call “the Mormons?”  Well, they fucking hate it (their exact words...more or less...more on the less side, I guess).
Now Rush did issue a heartfelt apology (because his heart felt that he was suddenly losing a lot of money), which kind cheapens everything because of, ironically, doing it for the money.  That’s what some people might call a prostitute apology, but I’m not one to judge.  How could I be.  My wife and I use slutty, prostitute-ey birth control so we’ve got NO right to be pointing a finger at anyone.
In summary, I guess what I’m trying to say here is, I didn’t realize that homeschoolers were so into porn.  You learn something new everyday.

Some "Mormons" discussing Rush's birth control propositions

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Apology Acceptance Sex Tape, Just Like Jesus Taught. God Bless America!

Mr Limbaugh said on his original show regarding Ms Fluke's comments on birth control: ‘What does that make her? It makes her a slut, right? It makes her a prostitute. She wants to be paid to have sex.

Read more:

Limbaugh tried to backpedal, but not really. Perhaps not a slut, but Fluke is a “round-heeled” woman

And he went even further on his next show, saying: 'If we are going to pay for your contraceptives and thus pay for you to have sex... we want you to post the videos online so we can all watch.'

Read more:

I don't know why everyone is so upset by Rush Limbaugh calling a woman that supports insurance coverage for birth control a slut.  He said he was sorry, after all...ok sure, his exact words were "[she's] round-heeled," but that's a much MUCH nicer way to say slut, so it's basically the same as saying "I'm sorry...that you are round-heeled from all the laying on your back in order to have sex that you have been doing because you're a slut." 

That's clearly an apology, with a classic liberal (a.k.a. slutty) non-Christian response of not turning the other [ass] cheek in the I-accept-your-apology sex tape traditionally posted online for Rush's viewing pleasure after he's apologized. 

Way to be bigger the person, slutty girl (I'm being sarcastic, of course, Rush is the only one with conservative values like Jesus in this scenario and he's DEFINETLY the bigger person in this dispute . You're the bigger slut! Now post your apology-accepted sex tape online already so we can move on from this). 


These sluts need to go to Sunday school and learn about Jesus instead of birth control. If that happened maybe they'd finally learn how to forgive and post sex tapes online like Jesus taught us in the New Testament instead of not making babies ALL THE TIME with their slutty contraceptives. Then the next time they get called sluts by a great American patriot they'll do the right thing for a change and do what Jesus would do. 

It's all about getting back to those traditional Christian values. That is the only way we are ever going to be able to save this country.

Looks like someone learned a valuable lesson in Sunday School...Finally.  

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