Sunday, January 30, 2011

It's My Body and I'll Cry if I Want to...

Sometimes being super strong on the outside isn't enough- and I am really, really strong. I did 30 reps of 15 at 85% and watched myself grunt in the mirror 6 different times...but sometimes even that really hard workout that you have probably never even thought about doing just isn't enough...I will post the exact workout on Facebook later so you can see how truly amazing it was even though for me it was no big deal, but right now I have some sobbing to do.
yes there is a reason I've been crying in the shower for the last 3 hours...
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It all started innocently enough, two young people, married, happy, in love, and showering together. Yes, things were getting steamy. A broken bathroom fan had something to do with it, but also a very, very hot water heater. One might say “conditions were perfect.”

That is when it happened...and by “it” I mean someone who was washing her hair had her eyes closed when she blindly reached out and grabbed my butt. Good thing, right? except
it was immediately followed by a disgusted “What is that?” She opened her eyes, saw the object in question, then started laughing hysterically. It wasn’t just any old hysterical laughter either. It was the kind of laughter you expect to hear after watching something like...oh...I don’t know...this:

So yes, I’m a broken, revolting, jiggly man apparently. I don’t get it though. I went back and reviewed my Facebook posts and Tweets and this never should have happened because I AM SO HARDCORE.

10/2/2010 Back from the gym. I worked out so hard today. Man I sure am glad I worked out as hard as I did. Boy do I feel a lot better then you probably do.

10/16/2010 Ran 14 miles today. NBD. People are like, “Wow, I can’t believe you run that far.” Really? I can’t believe you don’t. I am in such good shape.

10/31/2010 Watched some people eating food that probably had fat in it. I feel so bad for them because they’ll never feel as good as me. Delicious rice cakes, thank you. Can’t get enough. Eating healthy is like getting sex in my mouth 3-5 times a day. You should put down those french fries and try it.

11/6/2010 Rode my bike 200 miles. I feel so good. I’m thinking about doing it again tomorrow. Who wants to come? It’ll be fun unless you are too tired because you don’t workout nearly as much as I do, which is 7-10 times per week.

...and the list goes on and on...

12/23/2010 My 5 a.m. swim session was epic. Only swam 3 miles today. Oh well. I was swimming so fast some other people who were at the pool said my nickname should be motorboat. Let’s make it Sex Shark Motorboat and you guys have got yourself a deal. Maybe if they were better swimmers then they would be better nickname givers... It is so great being such a good swimmer and being able to think up such awesome nicknames for myself.

Despite all those and many, many more posts on how healthy and great I am, I get laughed at in the shower as if those posts actually in no way reflect what physical condition I’m in...

So I will keep sobbing and eating here in the shower til I can muster up the desire to go post about how great the 4 hours in the gym are going to be and that anyone who wants to should come but be prepared to go hard, because when it comes to posting about my workouts on facebook and twitter, you can count on two things: I won’t even so much as stand up quick out of a chair without posting it on the web and when that happens, yes, I expect you to be impressed with the endless amount of workout activity I am engaged in...

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