It's My Body and I'll Cry if I Want to...

Sometimes being super strong on the outside isn't enough- and I am really, really strong. I did 30 reps of 15 at 85% and watched myself grunt in the mirror 6 different times...but sometimes even that really hard workout that you have probably never even thought about doing just isn't enough...I will post the exact workout on Facebook later so you can see how truly amazing it was even though for me it was no big deal, but right now I have some sobbing to do.

yes there is a reason I've been crying in the shower for the last 3 hours...

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It all started innocently enough, two young people, married, happy, in love, and showering together. Yes, things were getting steamy. A broken bathroom fan had something to do with it, but also a very, very hot water heater. One might say “conditions were perfect.”

That is when it happened...and by “it” I mean someone who was washing her hair had her eyes closed when she blindly reached out and grabbed my butt. Good thing, right? except
it was immediately followed by a disgusted “What is that?” She opened her eyes, saw the object in question, then started laughing hysterically. It wasn’t just any old hysterical laughter either. It was the kind of laughter you expect to hear after watching something like...oh...I don’t know...this:


So yes, I’m a broken, revolting, jiggly man apparently. I don’t get it though. I went back and reviewed my Facebook posts and Tweets and this never should have happened because I AM SO HARDCORE.

10/2/2010 Back from the gym. I worked out so hard today. Man I sure am glad I worked out as hard as I did. Boy do I feel a lot better then you probably do.

10/16/2010 Ran 14 miles today. NBD. People are like, “Wow, I can’t believe you run that far.” Really? I can’t believe you don’t. I am in such good shape.

10/31/2010 Watched some people eating food that probably had fat in it. I feel so bad for them because they’ll never feel as good as me. Delicious rice cakes, thank you. Can’t get enough. Eating healthy is like getting sex in my mouth 3-5 times a day. You should put down those french fries and try it.

11/6/2010 Rode my bike 200 miles. I feel so good. I’m thinking about doing it again tomorrow. Who wants to come? It’ll be fun unless you are too tired because you don’t workout nearly as much as I do, which is 7-10 times per week.

...and the list goes on and on...

12/23/2010 My 5 a.m. swim session was epic. Only swam 3 miles today. Oh well. I was swimming so fast some other people who were at the pool said my nickname should be motorboat. Let’s make it Sex Shark Motorboat and you guys have got yourself a deal. Maybe if they were better swimmers then they would be better nickname givers... It is so great being such a good swimmer and being able to think up such awesome nicknames for myself.

Despite all those and many, many more posts on how healthy and great I am, I get laughed at in the shower as if those posts actually in no way reflect what physical condition I’m in...

So I will keep sobbing and eating here in the shower til I can muster up the desire to go post about how great the 4 hours in the gym are going to be and that anyone who wants to should come but be prepared to go hard, because when it comes to posting about my workouts on facebook and twitter, you can count on two things: I won’t even so much as stand up quick out of a chair without posting it on the web and when that happens, yes, I expect you to be impressed with the endless amount of workout activity I am engaged in...

"Hot Pregnant Lady"

In one of these pictures Britney is hot, in the other she is pregnant. In the spirit of fairness and objectivity I have not disclosed which is which.

First, a disclaimer:  Anything any woman's husband has told her about how hot and beautiful she is while pregnant is absolutely true and should never be questioned nor his sincerity doubted. He is being 100% sincere. He sincerely wants you to believe that he meant it.

Everyone talks about how beautiful/sexy/hot women are when they are pregnant?  Why are we doing that?  We've seen women not pregnant and, um, yeah-  No contest.  Despite that fact, after becoming pregnant, many women who would  never even consider wearing shorts or a dress that didn't extend past the knee now feel the need to be photographed pregnant and naked because "they just feel so beautiful."    She has become a hot pregnant lady and apparently it is ok for hot pregnant ladies to post naked pictures of themselves online even though they have never posted hot not-naked pictures of themselves online in order for us to be able to compare.

Here is the thing, hot pregnant lady doesn't exist unless we are talking about a pregnant lady who happens to be out in the middle of Death Valley at noon in the middle of summer with no water.  

People argue "Guys have sex with women they think are hot and guys are having sex with pregnant women all the time so I guess your theory is wrong, Typing Bear, or whatever stupid name it is that you call yourself."

It's true.  Guys do have sex with pregnant women.

This is getting contentious so let's change the subject.

Have a look at this little picture here. It's hot, right?

Now close your eyes and think about the picture. Can you see it? Still hot.

What does that have to do with anything?

Nothing. I like that picture.

I, of course, do have a very hot wife, even while pregnant. She is so smoking hot when she is carrying my babies around in that big ol' never, ever unattractive baby-filled belly that I can't keep my hands off her (and not because pregnancy sized women are hard to avoid bumping into with your hands because of their size, this is totally sex related).  I never ever think she is not hot while pregnant because she makes pregnancy hot. I have never at any time suggested otherwise. I am so lucky. Believe me when I say I am being sincere. I couldn't be any more sincere even if there were a naked woman who I was married to in front of me right now and I was in a ten day pregnancy induced sex drought and, at this point, willing to bang a pillow that was shaped sexy.

What can we all take away from this? Everything is hot when you're horny- especially naked pregnant women
and pillows (just sexy pillows though).

Yes, she is birthing while grabbing a bear head. Coincidence? Hardly.

...and now it is time to play: HIPPIE or ZOMBIE?

The following images have not been used with permission, except for the fact THEY WERE POSTED ON THE INTERNET. Seriously, what did you think was going to happen when you threw them up on the world wide web?

America's favorite game...

...is apparently football, which suggests that Americans are much cooler than everyone else in the world which is why it is okay for us to have lots of stuff made by little kids who live in countries that don't like football. Sorry kids. You had to have seen this coming, though. Do you have any idea what an onside kick is? No? Well then, it is a little hard for me to feel bad for you. Thanks for the three dollar *Spydeerman T-shirt, by the way.

So...if you like football, you will LOVE Hippie or Zombie?

The rules are simple. In fact, they are the exact same rules as football, but with the added element where you have to correctly identify whether you are looking at a hippie(s) or a zombie(s). If you incorrectly identify an image it is a ten yard penalty and you lose one field goal.

Ready to play? Good.

Hippie or Zombie?

Hippie

Some classic giveaways here. First, there is the obvious red paste rubbed on her neck which is a holistic treatment used to remove capitalism stains from your aura. Second tell tell "that's definitely a hippie" sign are those stupid eye contacts that change your eye color to match a rainbow, or your birth stone, or in her case, a urinal cake in a broken gas station bathroom. Your third giveaway is the teeth. Someone hasn't been brushing...and really, why should she? After all, dental hygiene is all just a big capitalist conspiracy between the government, dentists, and toothpaste companies anyway. Obviously they are going to to tell you that you should brush 3 times a day and go to your dentist twice a year. Our girl in the photo above, she is too smart for those fat cats.

and again: Hippies or Zombies?

Zombies

Did you guess hippies? Easy mistake to make. Here you have a group of people gathered for a communal meal while defying conventions like cooking, using utensils, and not eating humans. Consequently, it is very easy to mistake this for a group of hippies. The zombie clue here is what you are not seeing. Nowhere is there anything certifying their meal as 100% certified organic, and in this case, republican free. This here is a classic zombie mauling followed by feeding frenzy.

How are you doing so far? When the Zombie apocalypse rolls around will you be running out of the forest because you thought you stumbled into a rainbow gathering and were about to be the center of a naked bearded love circle or because you were about to get eaten alive by zombies?

Try this one: Hippie or Zombie?

Did you say Hippie?

Seriously, answer the question! Did you say hippie? Because if you said hippie I am going to punch myself in the face. That is Rob **F. Zombie, of White Zombie. He beats up six hippies every morning BEFORE breakfast! Oh man, I hope you did not say hippie...

If you did say zombie, I will only give you credit if you specified "Zombie," as in Robert's last name and that he is a member of the Zombie family, son of Mr. & Mrs. Zombie (who won the Best Sock Puppet performance at the 1988 Zombie family reunion).

Hippie or Zombie?

Swamp Zombie...

jk! That's totally a hippie

That is pure, 100% hippie, my friends. Interesting note here- Disenfranchised by the commodifying and marketing of patchouli in the U.S., but still interested in maintaining his hippie street cred, this hippie is actually growing his own patchouli right on his body. He applies seed in the spring and a few months later, voilé, his patchouli is already applied just like all the other hippies, except he didn't have to sell out by purchasing it from the man's economic machine. The other giveaway was the joint he's toking. Zombies eat brains. They don't smoke pot.

Want more? Well stay tuned, because more is coming.

*Half spy, half deer, all awesome!

Strengths: spy capabilities, grazing, wearing superhero costumes that are VERY similar to those of other superheros, & giving very young children the opportunity to make his merchandise for 12 to 16 hours per day.

Weakness: Headlights, Child labor activists

**Fuking (it's German)