Editing My Novel

In the novel I'm writing because I'm a bear who types so obviously I'm writing a novel, there is a scene where monsters have just barged in on a little boy with the intention of eating him because he throws fits and whines and doesn't obey.  The nature of their entry, the roaring and being monsters, and that sort of thing startled the little boy so much that he was completely quiet, casting doubt on the monsters original belief that there was a little boy there they could eat.  I don't know if the following segment will make it into the final project because it's not so much a novel as it is a children's book.
You be the judge.
Feel free to leave your comments.


The little boy was too surprised to answer them so he just stood there and stared at the monstrous consequences of his disobedience that were now standing in the living room.

The monsters stood there quiet, waiting for the cute little boy to answere them, but he said nothing.
He was too scared to say anying.
He knew who the little boy they had heard throwing a huge fit was.
It was him, of course, but he didn’t want to tell them that because he was frightened by  their giant alligator snouts, their bright orange pointy horns, and their long sharp pointy porcupine needles that covered their entire backs except for a small spot where a excitedly wagging giant puppy dog-like tail protruded.  He also didn’t like the look of their long, pointy bear claws attached to giant, hairy, bear-like paws which were attached to giant, hairy, bear-like arms which were attached to their... giant, soft, furry bodies? (except for their backs)
After several more moments of the cute little boy not answering, another of the monsters turned to his fellow monsters, “Say guys, you think maybe we got the wrong house?  This handsome little guy hasn’t made a sound since we’ve been here.” He turned back to the little boy, and continued as reached towards him. “ I kind doubt that a quiet,  adorable little sack of cute like this is who we heard throwing such a terrible fit, are ya little fella?” he said, tossling the cute little boy’s hair with his giant monster bear-like paw. A look of concern flashed across the monster’s face and He turned back to the first monster.
“Gene, I hate to bring this up again, especially right now, but I really feel like you’re frightening a lot of these kids with your barging in and roaring questions and not saying please.  Look at him. You can’t tell me he doesn’t look a little scared.”
Gene, looked irritated. “Well you would know with your Child Psychology degree now, wouldn’t you, Jerry? Oops. Did I say child psychology degree? what I meant was that 3 semesters of community college followed by “just taking a little break,” a  break, which you’re still taking 17 years later. Help me out, Jerry, because I’m always getting the two confused.  I’m sure I don’t need to remind you of that whole, I want to be a composer thing during the Classical era.  It’s been, what? 250 years? and what have you composed, Jerry?  I didn’t say a thing when you ordered all that music writing software after we watched The Holiday because you were going to compose movie scores  “just like Jack Black did”  -  So what if I cried when that blonde chick went to the award banquet with the nice old Jewish man and then Jack Black acted on the old Jewish guy’s advice and confessed his true feelings for her in front of everyone.  That was just emotionally powerful, compelling story telling.  All I’m saying is you didn’t compose shit.  Did you ever even install the software.  God Dammit, Jerry!  I’m so sick of your know it all bull shit.  We all are. FUCK! JERRY! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUUUUUCK!”
The final “fuck” exploded out of Gene’s monstrous mouth in a roar of anger and frustration, his enormous paws, which he had been waving with increased animation throughout his tirade, came smashing down on a coffee table he had been standing next to with a violent force, smashing the little table into a pile of splinters and parenting magazines.
The other monsters were now staring uncomfortably at the floor, several of them awkwardly shuffling their giant monster bear clawed bunny feet as if kicking an imaginary ball back and forth amongst each other. A tear ran down Jerry’s monster face and dripped onto the carpet , burning a golf ball sized hole all the way through to the concrete where it landed.
Gene continued glaring angrily at Jerry and then his face softened and he looked ashamed.
“Oh man, Jerry. You’re right.” Gene said apologetically.  “I am coming across too strong, but not just to the kids, to all of you guys, my fellow monsters, as well...and especially to you, Jerry. I’m really sorry.
Look man, I know you’ll go back to school and finish that associates in office administration so you can get a better paying job and then hopefully get into a Child Psychology Program like you’ve been dreaming about.  And you think I don’t remember 1782?  I do. Mozart was killing it.  Who didn’t secretly want to be a composer?  You were the only one with the monster balls big enough to actually do something about it then when Mozart inspired you and again later when Jack Black’s character in The Holiday inspired you the same way Mozart did.  You never let go of that dream I admire that about you. Being 900 years old has made me such a cynic...plus I’m just so hungry right now, and Jerry, you know I get edgy and today I crossed the  line.  I feel really terrible.”
Gene then looked down at the cute little boy, who was still standing there watching them, not saying a word.  “I’m sorry, little guy.  I’ll replace that table.  Uncle Jerry, over there, is right.  I owe you an apology.   Here’s the thing.  We are very hungry and we only eat one thing: boys and girls who whine and cry and who throw fits and don’t obey.  We heard someone throwing a fit so we came over to eat him, but it looks like we’ve made a mistake.  Can I tell you a little secret?”
The boy nodded his head.
“We do eat 3 other things.  Pudding, string cheese, and...well...I’m sure a sweet little boy like you wouldn’t have any of the third, parents who abandon their kids, so if you have some pudding or string cheese, we could all eat some together.  You like pudding and string cheese don’t you?”
The little boy nodded his head again.
“Good. Do you have some pudding and string cheese we could eat?  Then we’ll get out of your hair, I promise.”

If Bears Could Draw Stuff On Their Phones

Did You Think You Were The Only One? You Are Not Alone. The Following Text Conversation is REAL-ish.

Authors note, July 1, 2013:  If I ever said anything that suggested all the posts on this blog are good, I apologize.  Some of the posts were thought of, composed, NOT revised, and posted between 3-5 a.m. and it shows.  This is a pretty silly text conversation, however, so I will leave this as it is for your entertainment and also as cautionary tale for anyone who thinks it is a good idea to stay up for days at a time. It clearly is not.

Me: You know that feeling when the last of your amphetamines wear off and then you're weed buzz steps in while you're trying to watch porn while having video cyber sex on skype right when you're orgasm makes your eyelids cramp and throw a ghost punch at the ceiling...? 12:13 AM

Me: I mean like, why does that happen everytime...wtf? 12:14 AM

Very Wise Man: Hahaha... I know. One of these days I keep thinking that's not going to happen, but nope... Everytime. 12:21 AM

Me: I know right...I'm like, "come on amphetamine downer weed buzz video cyber sexting with porn orgasm ...change it up a little once in a while..." 12:24 AM

Me: I mean really? eyelid cramp ghost ceiling punch every time, like clock work? 12:24 AM

Me: I'm trying to have an intimate cyber sexual media climax, not set my watch. Am I right? 12:25 AM

"What about you, bear-that-is-clearly-conveying-a-message-with-his-shrugged-shoulders-and-upturned-palms?  Oh...you don't know either?  Oh, it's cool. No big deal...  Okay. I guess I'll see you 'round. Take it easy, Body Language Bear."

Restoring My Faith in Humanity- The 80 MPH Hero

not a reader? the video you're looking for is at the bottom of the page.  Seriously though, you should probably consider reading more.  I know.  I know. "The porn won't watch itself," you're thinking to yourself.  Turns out you don't have to worry about that because  there are already A LOT of people watching it for you right now.  So go ahead, take a break and look at some words.  You'll be glad you did.  Later, maybe we could get together and listen to some Bee Gees? 
You don't have to decide right now.  Take your time.  I understand.

Listening to the news everyday can really get a bear down.  The world is a sad, cruel place where everyone is in it for themselves.  No one shares anymore.  We all sit at home, sad and alone, and wonder why we should even try to keep stayin' alive.
...I listen to the Bee Gees when I'm sad.  
So what? 
Don't be a dick about it.
Remember I'm also a bear.  When bears are sad they listen to the Bee Gees.  If you would stop watching Jersey Shore long enough to take in an hour or two of some quality programming like the documentary Grizzly Man, for example, you would know about a blue bear's love for the Bee Gees.  Also, when bears are feeling blue we like to eat people who are dicks about listening to the Bee Gees when we're feeling a bit like  mister sad-bear.

You see that?  One man spent the last 13 years crossing boundaries...a.k.a. being a dick about depressed bears listening to the Bee Gees.  You want to guess how that worked out for him?

All I'm trying to say here is that sometimes the state of the world gets me depressed and that's when I like to listen to the Bee Gees and eat dicks.   

That's why the simple, selfless act of a young newlywed husband has resonated so profoundly with me.  

When Travis Chambers found himself experiencing one of the most beautiful experiences a human can have, yes, I'm talking about an encounter with a self assured dumb person, he could have just enjoyed it by himself and deprived millions upon millions of people the happiness that comes from pointing a finger and laughing at unbelievable vanity paired with stupidity.

Fortunatley for all of us, this mountain of a man, this modern day hero, chose to press the record button and the upload to youtube button on his camera phone so that we could all laugh at his wife WITH him.  I get goosebumps AND choked up just thinking about the words "I can run one mile in 7 minutes and that's a 10."   It is just so, SO beautiful.  
See for yourself, and don't forget to thank this great man for what he has given us and wish him luck in his quest to end what is certainly going to be a very long streak of involuntary celibacy followed by divorce.  Don't you worry, Travis Chambers, your sacrifice for all of us has not gone unnoticed.  We thank you.  We thank you 2,929,139 times (as of 12:47 p.m. MST Wed. March 21).  I expect we will continue to thank you many, many, MANY more times.