A: The reason we don't call it Really, Really Big Typing Raccoons (bear size, I'm assuming) is because they don't exist (not on that scale). Also, thanks for rubbing in the cold, harsh reality I must face every day I sit down in front of a keyboard. I'm very aware of my inability to hit the space bar due to my opposeable-less thumb situation. Why don't you try and show a little sensitivity in your questioning, pal? I don't really like your tone, frankly. Where did you learn to interact with others? Were you home schooled? Raised by wolves, maybe? Are you a wolf? Seriously, are you? You know what? It doesn't matter and I'll tell you why, Mr. Wolf (nice try, but I'm on to you).
Think about it. When bears aren't running around kicking ass in the forest and eating campers they are out making people happy...so a typing bear is the obvious choice to write a blog that will make you happier than you have ever been in your entire life.
Q: But bears have never made me happy.
(Ummm, you understand what a question is, right? You are such a classic wolf.)
A: Even if you can honestly say bears have never made you happy...that ends RIGHT NOW!
I give you the following:
HAPPY BEAR #1: INSPIRATIONAL BEAR
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| Inspirational Bear- a perfect example... |
Okay.
Here is a perfect example of a bear making us happy. This is a bear who isn't just a bear, he is a big time Hollywood actor! He went from living as an orphan in the forest, scrounging for food wherever he could find it, to acting on THE BIG SCREEN!
Overcoming odds like that- that's like a big, hairy, bear clawed happiness pill you can take whenever you're feeling frowny.
It's, more or less, the equivalent of Junior's story in the Disney movie, Cool Runnings, except instead of having rich controlling parents the bear's parents were killed by park rangers after eating a Boy Scout troop. Overcoming being orphaned by what was, for all intents and purposes, a hit put out on your parents by the Boy Scouts of America to become a wildly successful Hollywood actor chokes me up at the mere thought, and not because I'm not chewing my boy scout enough before I swallow. It's because of happiness. Happiness brought on by Inspirational Bear.
You look me in the eyes and tell me Cool Runnings didn't make you happy. YOU CAN'T DO IT! And like Cool Runnings, this bear's story will not only make you happy but also INSPIRE YOU to not give up on your dream of becoming a movie star. How's the ol' "bear has never made me happy statement looking to you now." Kind of silly, huh?
HAPPY BEAR(S) #2: MAKING FUN OF COWBOYS BEARS
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| Ironic Comedy Bears. Classic! |
Would you take a look at these two jokers!? These guys are hilarious. You should hear them do their cowboy voices. They totally nail it:
"I hate democrats."
"Yee haw. Me too. Check this out. I'm going to eat my horse WHILE I'M RIDING IT!"
"Good one. Let's go shoot some stuff and drive my pick-up."
"...And go pick up some beavers and then eat them! See what I did there? You know, 'cause we're bears and eat actual beavers but sometimes beaver can mean..."
"I get ya, Cowboy buddy...awww shooo...my horse just bled to death. Dag nabbit!"
Those two didn't just make me happy, but also provided a great ab workout from laughter. Now I'm not only happier, but I also feel better about myself.
Looks like it is Bears: 2 Sadness: 0.
Those two didn't just make me happy, but also provided a great ab workout from laughter. Now I'm not only happier, but I also feel better about myself.
Looks like it is Bears: 2 Sadness: 0.
HAPPY BEAR #3: TRIKE BEAR
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| Just-Ate-A-Kid Trike Bear...I know I'm not the only one smiling right now. |
Bear on a trike. This is so great!
Seriously though, besides bears, who comes up with this stuff ? That's a big ol' grizzly bear RIDING A KIDS TRIKE! That is so cute and funny.
Seriously though, besides bears, who comes up with this stuff ? That's a big ol' grizzly bear RIDING A KIDS TRIKE! That is so cute and funny.
Just try and tell me that bears don't make you happy now. The only way you could do that is if you happen to be the kid that trike belonged to.
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| Shut up, kid! Seriously. Shut up! What is it going to take to get you to shut up? |
Shut up, kid! He's such a whiner, even inside a bear. Honestly, if that bear hadn't eaten him I would have just so I wouldn't have to listen to him anymore...so actually, this is also:
HAPPY BEAR #4: WHINY KID EATING BEAR
HAPPY BEAR #5: TRIFECTA OF HAPPINESS BEAR
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| Crying tears of joy? Don't be ashamed. You're not alone. You are SO not alone. |
Naked Britney Spears, childbirth, the bear head of a bear rug;
This is what is referred to by happiness experts as The Happiness Trifecta, which is physically impossible to be sad in the presence of. That's a fact backed by *HARD SCIENCE right there. You can't argue with science.
You CAN argue with Scientology, but not this. This is hard science, which is totally different.
Another scientific fact that is irrefutable: bears hate Tom Cruise. Now you know.
Push, Britney. Push!
I'm so happy right now.
*HARD, in this scientific context, means pretend
*HARD, in this scientific context, means pretend
Typing Bear questions: ANSWERED. Typing Bear critics: SILENCED. Now that the Typing Bear title makes perfect sense, who is this "Incredible Typing Bear"? He's a bear that can type named Incredible Typing Bear. How was that not clear already? It's cool. Don't sweat it. In the meantime, check *this out. It will calm your nerves, heighten your senses, and start a fire in your loins.
*this: